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I drove down deep, made a big decision...

This is the most brilliant thing I've read in a long time. Ok maybe not. But it is certainly one of the most well thought-out and articulated arguments I've seen.

From This Article by Gila Manolson:

I meet a lot of people who want a genuine relationship, but society does not give them time to establish anything real before they're expected to get physical. So they end up trying to satisfy themselves with something very superficial and transient, when their soul really craves something deeper. Probably most would agree that this experience can be particularly frustrating for women, since women need more fusion between emotional and physical. In my opinion, the result is that women are capable of greater self-deception in relationships - and they suffer the consequences. Often, when a woman becomes physically involved in a relationship, she begins to experience something of a bond with her partner, even at an unconscious level. And even if she's been told the relationship is strictly casual, it's likely a bond is happening anyway. In the wake of that bond, a few things begin to happen, which are not good for a relationship at this stage:

For starters, objectivity basically goes down the drain. One example - imagine yourself at a party, with two men opposite you - one whom you find attractive, the other not at all. You say something. Both respond intelligently. Who likely sounds more intelligent? They both make a joke. Who is likely to sound a bit more entertaining? We tend to want to read more positive qualities into somebody who also happens to be attractive to us. When you add touch to this equation, you're a goner, as far as objectivity is concerned.

For example, a cousin of mine got married after living with her boyfriend for two years. Three months after the wedding she said, "I don't know if my relationship is going to last." I wondered what she could have possibly discovered that she had not seen before. Her answer left me speechless. (This is an intelligent woman, with a good job, Ivy League graduate, etc.) She replied, "I just don't know if he's intellectual enough for me." She had missed something very basic about her husband, possibly because their physical involvement from early on had eclipsed her ability to see him objectively.

I sense a great deal of confusion today between love and something else that other people call love. A rabbi I know was addressing Hebrew University students in Jerusalem, who were mostly non-religious. He turned to a girl in the front row and said, "Tell me something. When a guy says to you, I love you, what kind of love does he mean?" She said, "If it's romantic love it means he wants me. If it's real love, it means he wants what's good for me."

I would like to suggest that women give themselves the opportunity to develop genuine love by not getting physically involved at first. What happens in my observation, in most relationships today, is that the physical side enters in fairly early and it drags in its wake feelings of connection and even love. This is particularly true for women. It might not be a feeling of commitment, like when you're going to get married, but more that, because something of a connection has happened here, we're going to at least stay together for a while. This assumption might unfortunately be based only on the positive sensation of skin against skin.

OK. Now, I've posted many mini tirades and rants about sex here. But reading that article really just slapped everything into place for me. I mean, it's so self-explanatory it's basically like a giant cup of "DUH!", but what do you want from me? Sometimes the obvious is completely lost on me until it's dragged out & beaten to death before my very eyes. Hmmn. My metaphors are a little dark today – I ought to keep an eye on that. [puppies and rainbows, puppies and rainbows, puppies and rainbows]

Anyhow... Ms. Gila presented maybe the best argument EVER for the patented Jocelyn "BoyBan". Basically, I’m a girl. As much as I’ve dabbled in the realm of guilt-free / no-strings / FWB / ONS, etc... I’m not a boy. Whatever little synapse-shields they have going on that can separate this crap – I haven’t got. I'm just not wired that way. Wait, you say – what about the fuck & run? You can’t seriously say you developed *feelings* for any of those boys, can you? Well thank you for asking... quite simply, no. I didn’t. Because I ran. Before I had a chance to even think about having an emotion, I ran. You know why? Because emotions are messy and ugly, and history has taught me that making something out of what was essentially nothing is an uphill battle. So yes, in the days of the f&r, I got what was worth getting (actually that’s not even true in most cases) and got out. The biggest rule being do not, under ANY circumstances, look back. And THAT, my dear friends & readers, is what hit me this time around. I haven’t had a single repeat performance by any lover in at least, oh – two years? Holy Kleenex Batman! For two years I successfully avoided spending enough time in bed with anyone to form even the slightest of attachments. And it worked! At the very worst I was disappointed in myself for not waiting for something more fulfilling (emotionally OR physically), but there was never even a second thought as to why isn't he calling? why doesn't he want to be together?. It wasn't exactly ideal, but it worked, 2 years and 5 lovers later, I can honestly say I wasn't hung up on a single one of them afterwards. I should have quit while I was ahead.

But noooo, I had to push it. I had to go for six. And sleep with him twice. Oops. Did I just say twice? As in – did I make a mistake, decide it was a biiig mistake, and then get talked into making the same fucking mistake again? Yes. Yes, I did. And per Ms. Gila's observations, I "did the girly thing". I got attached. At first on that blissfully unconscious level, and then well, not so unconscious. I know myself, and if a boy tells me about fucking someone else and it feels like he hit me so hard in the stomach that I might actually vomit... well, that's trouble. What happened from there on out was, predictably, a disaster. But the blame, (or at least the lion's share of it)I believe, rests squarely on my shoulders. I did this. I could have said no, and quite frankly, I should have said no.

Basically, I have to stop doing things backwards. Fuck first, ask questions later has gotten me a whole lot of nowhere. So, my apologies to the new crop of internet dates, but it's over. Again. But for real this time. Boy Ban is on. The Rules are on. And it's not about being a tease, or "catching" a husband... it's because clearly I can’t handle going about things any other way. So that's it. I'm already nearly 3 months into my new celibate world of dating, and I'm just going to stick with it until I find someone that might actually be worth sticking around for.



( 2 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Nov. 3rd, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
Amen. It ain't easy, but I hope/think it is much more fulfilling. Then again that is coming from a guy who just got the dating rug pulled out from under him.
Nov. 3rd, 2006 02:29 pm (UTC)
Somebody was up late ;)

(Actually I wanted to reply that from my phone last night - but damn wireless connection wasn't happening)

Anyhow, it made me laugh a little. I seemed SO determined to adhere to my newfound plan, but alas there was open bar and a cute boy & hickies... and the rest, as they say, is history. I guess that lesson didn't quite get pounded into my head yet, eh? Well trust me when I say this time around - it really REALLY did. So, yes. It does seem like sound advice, doesn't it? And I may actually be putting it into practice these days - but I'm not sure how much of that is a premeditated decision & how much of it is just me being scared shitless.

aaaaanyhow - we really ought to hang sometime. You know, Alex Tween did give me a gc to Piper's for my birthday...
( 2 spankings — spank your inner moppet )