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lessons learned?

trying to erase one boy with another - does it really ever work? i looked back over this post tonight and tried to remind myself that it doesn't. that when i'm raw, i'm raw and trying to fuck it out only ends in parking tickets, bad sex and a knot in my stomach. i don't even know where to begin. or maybe i do and i just can't bear to... i don't know.

i've been trying to date. i've been trying to meet someone, anyone that will make me forget the last stupid mistake i made. and it's not working. no one can live up to the person i've created in my head. the person i know he isn't, the person i want him to be. [speaking of not learning lessons - christ how many times am i gonna do this? people are who they are, not who you want them to be - no matter how badly you want them to be] but i keep at it because what else can i do? but that doesn't change the fact that it keeps backfiring on me. exhibit "a" if you will... i've been kind of dreading this weekend, so when a boy i've been chatting with lately, let's call him "boy a" shall we? just for old time's sake? ok. so when boy a offers to make me dinner tonight, i jump at the chance. [ignoring the obvious misstep of putting myself in a stranger's apt on a first date, not to worry, i immediately thought the better of that and when he suggested meeting in the city instead agreed] He took my number and said he'd call later with a plan. that was oh, six HOURS ago. There has been no call, no plan, no date. so i'm right back where i thought i'd be. stomach in knots, trying not to focus on the inevitable. in the meantime, this other boy i've been chatting with (in keeping with the "everything old is new again theme, let's call him "boy 2") asked me to meet him out at long running nyc dance party tonight. i turned him down, because a) i hate that party, 2) i thought i already had a date and d)i really have no interest in him whatsoever. so now, i'm at a familiar crossroads. i'm annoyed that boy a never called, so i'm considering calling boy 2. actually i'm considering more than that. i'm considering fucking boy 2 because i don't care. because even though i'm so entirely over screwing strangers, i'm thinking that feeling something, anything would be better than living in my head like this. i'm just sick of staring at the latest notch in my bedpost, and while a date with boy a might have made for enough of a distraction, i don't have as much faith in the company of boy 2.

i'm not actually going to do it. but the saddest part is probably the why. it's not because the sex [much like all the sex i've had in the past year] would be disappointing at best, it's not because i've honestly outgrown casual sex, or because i recognize that using him like that would be wrong... it's because i can't. it's because i know that when push came to shove i wouldn't be able to bring myself to sleep with someone else. because much as i think i want to erase one boy with another, i'm not ready to even try. maybe i'm afraid the ink is indelible... but more likely, i'm afraid that it's not.