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Only kisses on the cheek from now on...

Last night I saw K for the first time in almost 2 years. It wasn't a disaster. It wasn't a hollywood movie. It kind of just "was".

We talked, we joked, we caught up on the goings on of friends and family. And when he kissed me goodbye and got out of my car, a part of me sighed with relief, and another part of me crumbled. To be honest I didn't know how I felt about seeing him again. I told him last night that various friends had been concerned about the meeting - but that wasn't the entire truth. People were concerned, but mostly because I was. I was certain he was going to tell me that he & his longtime girlfriend had called it quits, what I wasn't certain about - was how I'd react. I need him NOT to be single right now I'd said to my friends. I need him not to be single because then I won't have a single demonstrable reason why we shouldn't be together. And it was true. Over the years I've built him up, turned him into "the one" or at least "the one that got away". In the simplest terms, we had broken up because he needed desperately to move on with his life - and to do so without using me as a crutch. And here he is, 4 years later, finally making good on that vow, finally putting his plans into action. And I was terrified. For one, I'd been thinking a lot about him lately. It's hard not to when the majority of your friends are in "break up mode" and turning to you for advice... you flip through the pages of your personal history in order to find the stories to sooth them with, in order to offer the wisdom of your own experiences. And for me, that page was landing on Kris more often than not.

I don't want to entirely discount my four other "official" past boyfriends, but in reality Kris was it. He was the relationship I grew up in, the one I fell hardest for, the first one I ever really believed I could spend a forever with. We fought. A lot. We were young, it was mostly long distance, and really quite unconventional at best... but there was something there. Whatever that something is that two people are supposed to have? We had it. In spades. And that was the one thing I was always able to hold onto. I could still feel "it" in all our post-break up interactions. And it's what gave rise to my now famous quote of sometimes love really isn't enough. We put each other through the ringer... and yet some part of me could still love him, could still feel electric about him. Until last night.

As expected, it came out that he & the girl I had once upon a time oh-so-bitterly dubbed "the muppet" had broken up. a WEEK ago. And so there it was, this information just floating out there somewhere above the table, but as the evening wore on - it didn't really matter. What I slowly came to understand, was simply that I am not that girl anymore, and he is not that boy. A lot has changed in four years, and in many ways we're entirely different people. Or are we? In some ways I am still that smug, catty, smart ass girl who talks to much to cover up the fact that she's horribly insecure about just about everything. Huge yet incredibly fragile ego right? I mean it's in my bio for crying out loud. And he can still give as good as he gets, matching wits with the greatest of ease, able to cleanly diagnose your neurosis in a single conversation (now even without being too condescending), and scared to death of being alone. Which... is where in the evening the other shoe dropped.

There's a new girl.

Oh silly Jocelyn, once again the world doesn't revolve around you. OF COURSE there's a new girl. There always was "a new girl". She may have absolutely nothing to do with the whys and wherefores of the break up... but she's always there. That fantastic female friend he's made over the last month or so. The one he's been leaning on through the "ugly business of breaking up", the one he's started having meaningful conversations with. The muppet was that girl, Susan was that girl, "jdwhoreoftheuniverse" was that girl, Sandy was that girl - hell, *I WAS THAT GIRL* Oh how quickly we forget... how quick we are to gloss over that which we'd rather forget. So, blow to my ego perhaps... the new 23 year old giraffe, but in the end, unimportant.

The crux of this story is that the elusive "it" - wasn't there, and neither was the bitterness. There wasn't an ounce of sting to the memories we shared, it was all just gone. Maybe washed away by one year too many, one tear too many... whatever it was, it worked. And that was the sigh, the you have no power over me David Bowie moment from Labyrinth. But it was followed almost immediately by the implosion of my heart. The absence of the "it" left a vacuum. If I don't still love this man, harbor feelings for this the supposed "greatest love of my life", then what? All I do on a daily basis is wonder if I will ever find a love like that again... and somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind, I wondered if I couldn't find one - then maybe it really was him all along, that it had always been meant to be. Now that fantasy is gone, and I'm left to ponder if there's anything left for me? If this was my once chance - did I blow it four years ago and my life since then has just been a preview of my future? Is all that's left a string of failed romantic visions... the result of a fruitless search for something that no longer exists? I know. I'm being melodramatic. And I don't really believe all that. But part of me mourned that loss a little today anyways.

So there it is. Last night I saw K for the first time in almost 2 years. It wasn't a disaster. It wasn't a hollywood movie. It kind of just "was".


( 3 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Oct. 17th, 2005 02:01 pm (UTC)
giraffe? hmpf! i had to suffer with being called a stick insect!

you're getting soft.


Oct. 17th, 2005 02:09 pm (UTC)
welllll... I was in my bridget jones phase back then. besides, you're hella skinny and all i know about this girl is she's eight miles tall.
Miss you, miss queen of the internets...

Oct. 19th, 2005 02:39 am (UTC)
Man, someone has really honed some serious skills in the last 4 years, and it ain't me. That was an exact-o knife to the heart and mind. Talk about "my aim is true". Just for the record, your comment on the street corner (A and whatever) made me laugh and completely deflated me all at the same time too. You offered up the observation. Not to say that it isn't factual, but I guess I was still waiting on a sign, negative, positive, whatever for a direction to go. There was a tension until the comment, at least for me. Until you uttered those words, I was ready to go in whatever direction I needed to, not knowing where the evening would really take us after so long. You weren't the only one apprehensive and wondering what was still there and what time had washed away. I guess I can still take away from this that neither one of us have really changed that drastically as people, but the dynamic is definitely not what it used to be. A somewhat unexpected development, but nice to see some change regardless.
( 3 spankings — spank your inner moppet )