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Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with Bubba or the car... or really anything else currently occupying my life. It's a one-off if you will, a random outpouring that I'm transcribing from the paper journal.

Yesterday i started watching Lost in Translation again, which tends to make me feel oddly nostalgic for things or a time that I've never known... and last night it ended up striking an emotional chord in me and suddenly i was flooded with the heart-rending pain of this one solitary moment, this one emotional memory of mine, and it all came spilling out onto the page...

I remember just sitting there, watching you sleep.
It was early (too early) and cold that morning - even sun seemed cold in it's pale, yellow way. I sat, curled into a ball - chin digging into hand resting atop knee - trying not to shiver. I found myself turning my head away every now and then to gaze out the window, pressing my forehead up against the cold pane just to feel something else, something tangible - because looking at you... watching each breath as it escaped your body was just too much. Your face, your perfect face so close, so placid in sleep... I watched as the first errant rays of sunlight wound their way up over your cheek and came to rest in your hair. And my heart hurt that you could be so beautiful, so magnificent - and never know. In these few stolen moments i felt the terrible weight of this pain pressing down, tightening around me... as if I could feel the heaviness of "never" sinking in the air between us. Staring across a chasm of barely 3 feet - it may as well have been 3,000.

The heaviness of never rang in my ears. Angry tears and grains of sleep stung at my eyelids - but they won't spill over, won't splash warm and wet over my cheek. I turned my head once more from you , leaned my cheek into the window, but still i heard each sharp exhale pierce the silence, each sound calling out to me ... And i let myself wonder for a moment what it would be like beside you... to belong there, to feel the warm softness of your breath graze my neck. A strong shiver reminded me that I'd dallied too long there - I'd dallied too long.

But at least I'll always remember now, how I once watched you sleep.