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Thoughts before bed on Monday night transcribed today:

I keep watching all of these movies about love, these "romantic comedies" I suppose. And while I love to watch their stories, these stories of how people find one another, how they fall in love, I find myself wondering how much of each story is true - or even based in truth? how many of these mad-cap romances were real and how many were simply the product of a lonely imagination? I'm honestly starting to wonder if the only way I'll even find another love of my own is to create one myself. write the perfect relationship into existence since, (it would seem) I can't have my own.

Which of course brings us to my favorite line of circular thinking....

What if it's not a question of will I find the right person or will I fall in love again... perhaps the question I ought to be asking is Can I? - am I able? I'm starting to believe again that I might not be capable of love anymore - of being loved, of offering myself up like that again. I mean let's take an honest look here: my predilection for the fuck & run? The fact that I celebrate Vacation Sex because in the end I'm here and he's there and there's nothing more to be done about it? Tell me these things don't SCREAM "intimacy issues"!!? I mean, I wasn't always like this... this wasn't me, I was never any good at being detached... but now? Gah!! Even when I take a look back at the last man I actually fell for? HWSNBN - maybe the only reason I was able to fall for him so fast, so hard, was because I always, always knew it could never happen.

I just don't understand anymore what I'm supposed to do - how I'm supposed to be. I can't remember how I was - how I used to go about things, handle things. and it's all so endlessly frustrating, like remembering every word to a song but having the tune utterly escape you...

I don't even know where this is all coming from. part of it was the realization this weekend that nothing at all was going to come of Dracula. Not that this is exactly news - I mean I knew who he was and what he was about from the get-go. And yes, I'm sure that if and when we run into each other again I could end up with another series of rather exquisitely obtained hickies, but then what? It's just another in a mounting collection of meaningless flings and while, yes, they serve their purposes (often quite well) - I'm just tired of feeling empty afterward, tired of feeling cold.

And it's more than that - there have been other matters pressing me into this over-analytic state. Por ejemple: I've been spending an inordinate amount of time with one of the sweet sixteen lately. So much so in fact, that I've taken to calling him my "not-gay gay-boyfriend" (nggb). And it's really been fantastic... it's the most open and honest friendship I've had with a guy in ages. We have a tremendous amount in common, I trust him implicitly, I feel like I can really and truly be myself around him, and we laugh so hard together we nearly end up in tears... but ultimately? It's just incredibly platonic. Which was fine. Until people started to ask why it's strictly platonic... is it him? is it me? and I don't really have an answer. Even *I* find it troubling to some extent - I think he's attractive, he thinks I'm attractive, so what gives? He basically represents my entire m.o.: emotionally detached yet strangely romantic SWM, musically inclined, incredibly creative, steady job, smart ass with a nice smile & good hair... so why am I not falling head over heels for this guy?

maybe when you get down to it - it is me. I have too much pride to be just another statistic for him, or for Dracula for that matter... but in thinking that way, am I automatically precluding the idea that I could be different, special even? That someone would actually choose ME, love ME? That I could be more to them than any of these other girls? Chew on that my dear Freudians... is it indeed possible that I no longer truly believe myself to be worthy of being loved?

ehhh - what do I know anyhow?

I will say this - a lot of these nagging questions first arose after that initial weekend with Dracula. Wherein (are you even believing this?) we actually slept together. As in sleeping - all night. Of course it's true that I hadn't really the option to "run" per se - but he actually held me all night and I let him. Even in the few instances where I pulled away, he simply pulled me closer and buried his chin in the crook of my neck and eventually I just let go... I relaxed into his arms and actually fell asleep. He said, he did everything perfectly - even the next day. And it was amazing, right up until we parted company - at which point it became an issue. Then I had to have all these "thoughts". I was stuck trying to reconcile these two seemingly polar opposite people rolled into one.

On the one hand it had felt so wonderful to give in and just BE with someone in that way - but fuck! Why did it have to be HIM? (Or maybe it did have to - once again because I knew it would never progress?) Anyhow, that was something of a head trip for me. I felt entirely too vulnerable, too exposed - and I immediately started backing off from everyone for a bit there as I debated endlessly about whether he could, in actuality, BE the missing puzzle piece - the elusive answer to what had been lacking in my 16-part uber-boyfriend.

He wasn't. Or at least, I doubt very much that he is... I refuse to call him and he barely contacts me, but the crux of it is that it's been well over a month now since round one and he hasn't called. Hasn't made even a single attempt to see me on purpose, and that pretty much says it all - doesn't it? Please don't get me wrong, I don't really know a whole lot about him, and I'm not even sure I'd want to date him, but I wanted him to want me. I wanted to at least find out if I could really like him, and I wanted desperately for him to need to know if I could be someone special.

Gah. I'm not making sense anymore.


( 1 spanking — spank your inner moppet )
Jun. 23rd, 2005 01:52 pm (UTC)
That's quite a self realization you've made there. Realizing that you're not "the one" to almost of the men you like signals something deep inside. Apparently, from reading your journal, you're good enough for a drunk hookup and an occasional follow up hookup, but it never progresses from there for a reason. Sometimes in life there are girls who are the one's men take seriously and want to build something with and then there are the one's they have moments of weakness with and hook up with because they are horny and available. I think from everything you write, you are most definitely the latter. Men are not taking you seriously -- and you can't blame it on them. The blame, lies within you. There's something about you -- something you are sending out that is not making the men you want this fairy tale love with take you seriously. Becoming the other girl, the ideal in a man's eye takes a lot more maturity and self respect than you currently seem to possess. I wish you luck. In order to change, you need to stop doing what's easy and what you know will lead to a bad/sad place for you and you need to work on you and make hard grown up choices. Everyone goes through heartache and bullshit in their lives, but the one's who are able to get over it and not make the same mistakes and are honest with themselves (as it appears you are) and with others (which it appears you're not) are the people who find that happy place where they can move on and stop constantly seeking love and affection and get to a place where they are deserving of that at the highest level.
( 1 spanking — spank your inner moppet )