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Fucking come on and break the door down...

boys are maddening.

ok, so this is not news, but occasionally I feel moved to announce the obvious.

So yes, there are specific boys who are prompting my current state of flummox. First off, I went on a date this weekend that it turned out, was not, in fact, a date. Yeah, I know... I should be more adept by now at spotting not-dates, but considering my relative inexperience with actual dates - is it really that surprising? So yes, I thought the boy finally stepped up to the plate but it seems I was mistaken. Truth be told I was never really sure if I was on a date to begin with... the trappings were there, but there was a certain lack of substantive sexual tension the entire time. I suppose I'm finally putting a cap on something I should have really figured out months ago. If you can lie in bed with a boy and talk for hours without sex or the possibility of sex becoming an issue (or even the inkling of an issue...) it's probably pretty safe to say you're on a platonic track. It's just hard when you can have such a great time with someone, take notice of the fact that they are empirically attractive, be comfortable enough with each other to be outwardly affectionate even... but just not be able to close the deal as far as chemistry is concerned. And so perhaps you second guess yourself - convinced that if he were actually to show a genuine interest, it would strike a reciprocal spark in you... wondering if that would be enough to carry things for a while. Only really? You don't believe that. You know yourself, you know who you're attracted to the moment you meet them, you spend weeks, months even trying not to be attracted to the wrong ones. You already wasted 9 months of your life trying to overcome a lack of spark with someone you thought would be "good for you". It doesn't end well... it didn't end well, why even bother going through the mental gymnastics of even considering a similar path again? I think the answer is multifold.. a) we get lonely and tired of waiting. The idea of companionship starts to look quite dazzling when you've been wandering in the proverbial desert for 3 years and at a certain point you're not particularly concerned anymore with whether or not it's a mirage. 2) we get overly self-analytical. To the point where we wonder if we don't feel for this person because there is no chemistry, or because we've learned to sabotage possible relationships in order to distance ourselves from the possibility of another heartbreak. d) we become fearful of inappropriate romantic inclinations. It's a type of rebound really... jump into something safe and devoid of emotion in order to convince yourself you're over someone else. In the end... it's not worth it. And if it takes a not date to really drive that point home... then so be it. Now of course, this is my life which means there is always a soap-opera storyline lying in wait just beneath the surface so let's get to it already. While I'm on the non-date, not just one but TWO of the other boys decide it would be a good time to reach out and touch my cell phone. Believe me... it was good for a pair of eye rolls and a sigh. Not that it mattered though. I wasn't carting my ass to Brooklyn for the one, and the other, predictably, didn't actually invite me anywhere. By the time I attempted to go to sleep last night, it occurred to me that I had once again stumbled into the middle of "something complicated" that wasn't gonna work out in my favor. Or at least that's what it seems like at press time. Things just aren't adding up, and I can't seem to get a read on Charlie Brown to save my life... which in general is not a good sign. I mean, you should be able to tell if a boy really likes you right? Isn't that the whole point of the little pink book? And even though I HATE the little pink book, I'm not so sure it's wrong about that one. So yeah... if the boys keep this up, I really am gonna start in on my cat collection. (and no Miss M., you do not have the corner on the cat-lady market, I've been working the spinster-chic angle loooong before you joined ranks with us singletons) /boy-rant