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right. that last post was supposed to be the first in a 5-part series on what it means to be alone and exhausted the week before Valentine's Day. But that didn't exactly happen now did it? Oh, don't worry... I didn't talk myself into being ok with it, nor did I suddenly bump into the love of my life wandering aimlessly around the les. But things did get ever so slightly more complicated and the rest of my week was a virtual (**tired cliché alert**) roller coaster of emotion. Now even with my little stop on the midway, you'd think that Tuesday was probably me low point - what with the post and all. But alas, you'd be mistaken.

It was Friday. Friday was just a big ball of horrible churning inside me and ripping my stomach to shreds. I was angry and disappointed without any truly justifiable reason to be... or perhaps, with a quite reasonable rationale. I'm not so sure I've gotten to the bottom of whether or not my feelings were appropriate, but nonetheless, they existed. And do you know WHY they existed?

Because, I AM A REAL GIRL.

Flesh and blood. Just like Pinocchio at the end of the movie. And yet... I seem to be walking around like something of a marionette. (Please ignore the abrupt change in tone and direction this post is about to take) Why I'm letting you pull my strings is up for debate. Personally, I go with the theory that I accept any interaction with you because you make me feel. You provoke reactions in me, and even if I'm playing the puppet, with you I don't feel so numb. And though numb has been serving me well lately, I'm tired of not feeling. But here's the problem... you're playing. And I can't figure out what you're playing at, but it's becoming increasingly clear that I've stumbled into some kind of game and while normally I'm up for a few rounds of entendre-laced verbal sparring, i don't enjoy feeling played and that's the impression that you've been leaving lately. And no, I don't think it's particularly intentional, but you're still doing it and it's frustrating. and so I spent all of yesterday in knots... so angry, so defiant, so upset with myself for giving back into this at all, for letting hope escape when it was supposed to be locked up months ago. Caught between wanting you and wanting to do the right thing... all i really wanted to do was scream. Or start off on a pointless road trip... but what I settled for was vintage Dawson's Creek. It was nice to lose myself in the poignant and nostalgic look at someone else's angst-ridden teenage years for a change. And somehow, I knew that I'd get through this weekend, and that one of these days we'd work this all out.

Then today happened. I accidentally discovered that this little game we've been playing is not unique. So is this is just you? How you are? How you interact with people... how you deal with your life? And suddenly i feel even more duped than ever. But should I really? I mean you never professed that this was well, anything, and so I just feel foolish for not seeing this earlier, for projecting, for creating vast and complicated interpretations... for not sticking to my mantra. Without Hope or Agenda originally meant something to me, and I let it fall by the wayside. I cluttered it with expectation, treated it as an exception... and where has it led me? To feeling more lost and alone than I did before. Tonight, I'm aiming to come to terms with the fact that you are who you are and that I have always been just a face in your proverbial crowd. I'm thinking this realization will involve a lot of vodka.

Please, for the love of god... the next time any of you see me swinging at pitches in the dirt or over my head, point out to me that the strike zone is my friend? Oh, and reminding me to keep my eye on the ball can't hurt either ;)



( 6 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Feb. 12th, 2005 10:58 pm (UTC)
In the perfect words of Jelena, "All boys are stupid"

hugs and vodka tonics, whenever you're ready to start:)
Feb. 13th, 2005 08:42 pm (UTC)
thanks chica. not exactly the evening i had in mind... but it worked ;) Thank Justin for me too.
Feb. 14th, 2005 01:37 am (UTC)
yeah. It didn't turn out to be the kind of night you needed to forget it all, but I'm glad you came out none the less.
Feb. 13th, 2005 03:45 am (UTC)
oh my! That was some intense sh!t. I'm not sure I've ever seen that kind of rage and emotion from you. I'm floored, but in a good way. Kick ass!
Feb. 14th, 2005 12:37 am (UTC)
thank you, uh, but i kind of think you're on crack... I think you of all people would know what kind of "rage and emotion" I'm capable of. Ande while, yes, there was some pretty pure emoting going on there, I'm fairly sure it was anywhere in the vicinity of rage... maybe the ALL CAPS added a little more dramatic tension than i was looking for ;)

"rage" lol. I'd totally forgotten all about that name until just now.
Mar. 23rd, 2005 07:13 am (UTC)
without hope or agenda
Not really here for any special reason. Just that the phrase "without hope or agenda" has been echoing through me for the past couple of days.

As a guy, I liked your "outburst". Outburst is too strong a term, but I can't think of a better word right now.

Something nice about the ability to say all the things you ever want to say, knowing that others can feel it and respond to it, but still keeping the honesty of an unsent letter.
( 6 spankings — spank your inner moppet )