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I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...

ok. I'm about to commence a week-long wallowing session, and I'm warning you in advance because I'm a nice person and I can understand how the average person is probably not prepared for a series of whiny, self-indulgent posts of epic proportions. So if you continue to read, don't say I didn't warn you...

Valentine's Day

It's less than a week away. I have a ticket for the Kaiser Chiefs at Mercury Lounge. And the thought that this day is hovering on the horizon is quite literally sickening me. I can't have Valentine's Day this year. I just can NOT deal with it's existence. This is not normal for me. I worship Holidays, all of them. Even one's that have given themselves over, in entirety to Hallmark and Hershey's. See? I didn't even like typing that sentence... I'm not the kind of bitter girl who wants to obscure the romantic heart of the day by calling it commercial or overhyped. But I'm tired this year. I don't have the energy to put up a happy, red-wearing, all smiles, "love is in the air and i baked cookies for everyone" front. And conversely, I don't have the energy to wear black and laugh with my girlfriends and have a proper anti-valentine's complete with booze and heavily doctored cards from CVS. I'm just not ready for this holiday. This year it just seems to be SCREAMING hey lonely single girl have you noticed that you're ALONE? No? 'Cause you are ALONE and even if you'd managed to distract yourself from the fact that you are ALONE, I'm here to remind you that you are, in fact, ALONE". Thank you. Thank you Saint Valentine and FTD, thank you ad campaigns and the empire state building, thank you US Postal Service and countless fucking catalogs.

Yes. I am alone and feelin it this year. And to make matters even more self indulgent and worse... I probably don't have to be alone. I could probably scare up a date, actually call someone back and have a nice, awkward, "let's go out on Monday" conversation. Get a stock rose or at the very least a free drink out of the evening.

[sidebar: sophomore year at SSU in direct response to the guys' "Get Some" campaign, Nicole and I decided to wage our own campaign entitle, "Get Stuff". It was about collecting as much material bullshit for Valentine's Day as possible without putting out. It actually worked out fairly well... ha]

The problem is, I don't want to be on a DATE for Valentine's day. That's crap. That means nothing. I could be out with The Chef or GWTW and I would still feel horribly alone - even if they were perfectly charming dates. Maybe that's another reason I don't date... I hate dating. I'm a dating snob... it feels horrible and artificial to me, and I almost always feel like I'm wasting my time. I don't want to know the life story of some random guy over dinner. I like how things have worked for me in the past... I like getting to know some one as a part of my life, as a friend, discovering that I have feelings for them, and letting things taking their natural course. Basically I just don't have the energy to expend on dating... it's just so exhausting. There's a part in High Fidelity that explains my point about this perfectly... when you just need to BE with someone, because you're too tired, to drained, too weak even, not to be. (I'm quoting the movie only because I no longer have a copy of the book )

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you.
Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?
Laura: Yeah.

And THAT is the kind of lonely I am right now. I just want to be, really *be* with someone, because it hurts too much not to. There are maybe four people on the planet who I could need this week, who I could just sigh and melt into and let tell me everything will be alright... mind you none of them are a good idea for even a week's worth of comfort, but they are the only ones who even now, keep me safe, keep me loved in my head.

Well, carrying on about all this has helped a bit, I don't feel quite so ominous. But I'm bound to go home and see that damnable Dunkin' Donuts commercial where everyone keeps getting hit by "cupid's arrows" and it'll wind me up all over again...