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just saw closer... it's funny (no not the movie itself) there hasn't been another movie that I had been so impatient to see in a long time, and while I really did appreciate it, I'm not sure it could have possibly lived up to the my urgent expectations...

I had a sense that I'd be almost torturing myself by going to see it, and though it was less affecting than I'd imagined, it still hit home in a number of ways. I think the main thing that I took away from it was the renewed belief that there are all of these significant moments that ultimately decide the course of our lives. There are choices we make, sometimes incredibly capriciously... things that we say or do that we can't take back - life altering things. Things that even once they are forgiven cannot be erased... it's really an incredibly melancholy kind of realization, it just sort of sits inside you, rising up slowly over your consciousness, culminating in some sort of encompassing numbness.

In a way I feel lied to. I feel like there are these inalienable truths that no one tells you about... Not that I grew up with a pollyanna sense of love in the world. I've known for a long time that love and pain go hand in hand - that more often than not love alone isn't enough. But somehow I always believed that finding the right person to share your life with erased the battlescars that brought you to them. When people talk about finding "true love" they don't talk about the ghosts that will always be with you... I guess I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that there will be certain loves, certain people, certain actions even that will never truly go away. Even after they've been worked through or if necessary, forgiven... they still lurk in the quieter places of our hearts. Time may well heal all wounds, but scars really are forever, aren't they?


( 5 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Dec. 6th, 2004 08:38 am (UTC)
it always freaks me out thinking about how small things decide on the course our lives take. i try not think about it, but it's so true.

i did not know what to expect of the movie so i liked it. i liked the fact that it was more twisted than i thought it would be. but it's true, because people are generally weak and selfish and do things that are damaging to other people, even the once they love (or claim to love).
Dec. 6th, 2004 04:14 pm (UTC)
I wanted to respond to this because I have a different take on one aspect of it. I think we have plenty of chances to learn - at least at some level - that love isn't what it's made out to be; that our choices haunt us (even the good ones); that scars don't heal; that, in some cases, there really are no good decisions. Perhaps most importantly, that some things are so devastating we can't learn or grow from them; the best we can do is move on. There are plenty of songs, movies, books, and even the occasional TV show that deals with this theme.

The problem is that these songs/books/movies tend to negate, rather than offering alternative ways to live and alternative lives to want. We all want something to count on is this world, especially while we're growing up. You go through these countless changes, your parents and school control your life, etc. Plus, there seems to be this clear narrative: school, graduation, job, love, marriage, children. I think we grasp onto this narrative and it sticks with us. And when we are met with alternative stories - especially stories that criticize love, but also stories about unfulfilling jobs, failed marriages, etc., - we reject them. We don't think that's 'us' partly because it seems such a bad alternative; we think we'll be different.

So I think we get attracted to the narrative side of love first - the beautiful story. And we basically reject the painful stories, because they don't offer anything in return; they function as a REJECTION of love, rather than an acceptance of something else. They precisely aren't alternatives; they're just negations, even when they're true.

So we end up having to learn these painful facts about love ourselves. A few people are lucky - they learn that love isn't easy, that it's hard work, and that it changes - but they can keep their illusions somewhat intact. A few people just end up rejecting the story altogether, and look for something besides love: cheap sex, family, religion, work, etc. But I think many of us learn about the painful, scar-filled side of love, and stick with it regardless, even when we feel that it's false, because we just can't imagine a fulfilling alternative. One can come to significant realizations about love - as you do in the above post, and have throughout this journal - but still can't escape it, because you haven't found something real to replace it. And the fantasy - even when we KNOW it's a fantasy, and a dangerous one - still holds us in its grasp.

That's mainly what i wanted to say. On a more optimistic note, the ghosts do tend to get weaker and weaker as time goes on. Sometimes you have to think longer term than society tells us; scars last forever but do slowly fade. Unfortunately by then usually there's new scars....but that's a different story.
Dec. 6th, 2004 08:36 pm (UTC)
i'm not going to even attempt to reply to the first part... I'm tired and it makes my brain hurt :P

a brief comment on the ghosts bit... despite the overall negative tone to my points, i didn't mean to imply that the ever lasting ghosts were a *bad* thing persay... just that no one ever tells you about them. If you're right about falling in love with a particular narrative of love, than my problem is likely that they are an unexpected addition to my storyline - perhaps even something I thought was extraneous. I guess the simple explanation is that we're raised to believe that once a girl finds her prince she instantly forgets every frog she ever kissed... only in real life, she doesn't. And furthermore she may have to come to the realization that not all of the frogs were, in fact, frogs... some of them may well have been princes too, only they weren't *her* prince. As you see it all gets a little messy and bewildering.

oh, and have I MENTIONED my fairytale obsession? ::sigh:: no wonder I'm so fucked up. seriously.... ogres, castles, pumpkin carriages, pixie dust? Is it any wonder I feed off the drama in my life?
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:34 am (UTC)
Well, some of your frogs must be other girls' princes...otherwise there would only be a single prince, and women everywhere would have to fight over him! That part shouldn't be that bewildering: if he's not your prince, he's not your prince, and who cares if he's somebody elses? Finding your prince (or at least some kind of minor royalty) is the hard part, when princes hide, and frogs act like princes.

I - at any rate - knew about the fairytale obsession. One of the first pictures I saw of you was in a Ren Faire outfit!
Dec. 7th, 2004 10:36 pm (UTC)
I was listening to music and thinking about what you had said, and suddenly a song came on that seemed to encompass my feelings perfectly. It seemed to say a lot better exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't.

It goes something like this:

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
( 5 spankings — spank your inner moppet )