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"I no longer harbor feelings (good, bad, or ugly) for Jocelyn. That is in the ground and gone. A wonderful thing, I think, and many would agree.

I also have many reminders of my ex. Most notably, my current. She is the polar opposite of Jocelyn. Namely, she makes me happy. Alison [no last names]. More than likely, the woman I will marry (yes, I put that in print). [with Ali, I have] Truly discovered love, understanding and relationships (not crushes, infatuations, and lust disguised by guilt as love) things with Ali are wonderful. She is such a great fit for me, and me for her, I think. Things have been more or less effortless through 7+ months of being exclusive to each other. And we've emerged from one of the most tragic events in US history as a strong, well balanced, loving couple. I think that is saying alot about what is there, between us."

Oh God - I can't breathe, I can't breathe. "lust disguised by guilt as love". And so it is. He never loved me. He didn't find that with me. He stayed for five years because what? he was confused, deluded perhaps? I am sorry for that. What I felt for him, with him – even if it wasn't real - was the closest thing to love that I've ever known. I loved him so much, and part of me still does, part of me always will... and he won’t ever really know that. God knows I tried to tell him, tried to explain that he would always be loved, unconditionally. And he thought it too – at the time. He cried. He cried and told me that I would never lose him. We were so close, maybe too close for comfort. I thought at the very least he would always be my closest friend. And now he thinks he will marry Ali. I can't breathe again. I know so much was not right between us. I know there is so much that I need that he could never give me, and that I *know* should be the end of it... but it’s not. It never is. My worst, my greatest fear has always been apathy... and now here it is, staring me smugly in the face. How can he think of me and feel NOTHING!?

Maybe what I feel is not love at all. If it were, if it really were, wouldn't I be happy for him? Happy that he's getting his life back on track? Happy that he's in love with a girl who obviously thinks the world of him? And on some level I am happy for all those things… I think I'm just a little too self-centered to let them eclipse the fact that he's not happy with ME in his life. I can't breathe, I can't breathe - marriage. He once thought he would marry me, and I honestly believed that someday we would end up together. And then the word, carelessly dropped from my lips would send him into a fury of commitment-phobia. And now he uses those words again – actually uses them, about Ali. His whole life he said that marriage was a bad idea for him – he didn’t believe in it. And now he's found someone who has made him change his mind. Oh God, oh GOD, I can’t breathe.