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Is contentment contagious? One has to wonder about that sometimes. I am constantly in flux with my emotions as of late. I am not thrilled with my “career” or lack there of, nor with my living situation. I am soon to be strapped for enough cash to pay my taxes… I am truly enjoying my friends as of late, but find the frequency with which we drink rather troubling. Do I enjoy their company in the masking of my self-labeled inadequacies, simply because I realize that they are basically still on my level as well?

I wish sometimes that I had an ounce of ambition that supercedes my inane need to love & be loved. Intellectually, I know that love is indeed the most important thing in my life, but I want it not to be EVERYTHING. Unfortunately - my emotions do not always seem to agree.

Back to that idea of contentment... My mind has an uncanny knack for convincing me that as long as love is a positive force in my life, that everything else is okay - or at the very least, will work itself out. A false sense of complacency based on the fact that I am happy *within a relationship*. That should only be a part of my world... there is so much else to me that needs to be satisfied.

It's been so long since I felt challenged , excited to do anything cerebral. My work is probably slowly killing me. I don't get to be creative, the chances to explore & learn new things are so few & far between - my intellect is suffocating. And spinning off of this is not having my own place to live in - and the space I occupy now is so terribly cluttered with my ineptitude. I can't seem to get to the things I need to do - I wave them off like so much fluff.

And so I sit, 6 credits or so from a degree, at a job that is so far beneath me that I can barely drag myself to it each day, in a room piled so high with laundry & crap that you can barely make your way to & from the bed.