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This year. This year, this 2001 was supposed to be a release for me. It was supposed to be a fresh start, a welcome close to the personal tragedy that plagued both me & my family in 2000. It was supposed to be filled with hope, with triumph, with love, with music...

What has it brought instead?


I won't pretend that it's been all bad - or that I haven't learned from the pain this year has brought me, but one good year? Was that too much to ask? Perhaps. It would have been enough to have failed in graduating, it would certainly have been enough to just lose K...

But to add a National tragedy to my personal sufferings? To have lost a man I admired like Mr. Bucca? To have thought I found healing, love again in the shape of a man I was sure was my destiny - only to see him also pull away from me...

It's too much. This year. This pain, this unending feeling of loss... As each subsides, a fresh wound is made, old scars re-opened, the pain goes on.

Is it horrible that my new travesty is having no one to hold at the stroke of midnight? No one to kiss and wash away this year? I will stand with my friends, drink a toast, and probably wish that I could disappear into the floor boards while they cling to their lovers.

It's been 6 years since I spent the Holidays alone - I'm not sure I remember how to do this... I suppose when I really think about it, Christmas has mostly just been my family & I... Christmas Eve with K never went over well. But New Year's - well... there's just no getting around that. For four years running we partied with our friends until the wee hours and then absconded to a hotel room to wake up New Year's Day in each other's arms.

So... this year, this 2001, this year of science fiction, this year of hope, where have you left me? Praying with every fiber of my being that 2002 will finally be my release.