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So, I really did have a pretty decent weekend despite Friday's un-pleasantries. I saw Stevie Nicks and Sheryl Crow on Friday and The New York Philharmonic on Saturday.

I do find though that it's still hard for me as the night winds down to not think about him. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just let this go? I should be able to have a great day - any day that passes where I don't think of him with longing, really that I don't think of him at all. I don't want to be angry or bitter, I don't want to be sad and nostalgic. I just don't want to feel where he is concerned.

And it really is awful. There is a space in my life that I just can't seem to fill. No matter how busy I get myself or how many new friends I make or how much time I throw into hanging out with the girls...

It's the little things that happen to me that I "can't wait to tell him" until I remember that we're not speaking... seeing something that I know he'd love and not being able to call him. And I know it's more than that. It's that concept of a "last call of the day" that comfortable safe feeling when you know you have someone on the other side of the line, when even just hearing them breathe makes your heart glad and your head rest easier. I don't think I'd really mind being alone if I hadn't just come out of something so intense. Having that full experience to compare now to, well -it just sucks. A lot.