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but i haven't seen barbados...

bear with me today - this is an entirely selfish post, my self-absorbed way of purging my thoughts. there is nothing remotely romantic or musical about this post, it's not entertaining in the least, and especially if you're sensitive to triggering, you may want to skip it. but it is important to me to get some of this out. I've been trying to let this all roll off my back, to make light of the situation, groan and grimace appropriately... but I'm having a hard time of it. And I'm tired of putting on a happy face because at the moment, that's not me. It's been a rather emotional day... i know I'm overly sensitive right now, but hormones will be hormones and I will spend a good chunk of my morning crying hysterically in the bathroom because I feel so fucking low and horrible and guilty and terrified of not being able to explain what happened the other night to myself, let alone anyone else.

there are things that happen in our lives. things that are terrifying and devastating, things that you think of as happening to someone else even as they happen to you. but eventually you have to deal with them. maybe you follow a prescribed course of action, and maybe you don’t. but at the end of the day, after the crying and shaking and the utter exhaustion of having to deal with it wears off – you have to put it away. and you go on with the rest of your life, and you don't look back. until you have to. until something new happens that shakes you to the core and all you can think about are the things you kept buried for so long. and you cry and you shake, and you vomit at the thought... at the mere possibility that it could have happened again. ::c'mon baby you ain't gonna do this to me now::

what's so terrifying about not knowing where you were for over an hour, knowing only that you were passed out on the floor when your friends found you? I mean that's not so terrible in and of itself... how about waking up to bruises on your neck, your shoulders, your inner arms, your wrists and your thighs? Painful perhaps, but so what? Random drunken bruises happen all the time. Now stare at your body in the mirror once the bruises are truly visible and come to the slow realization that you recognize those shapes, those markings from 9 years ago. Then feel free to play that thought on repeat all day because you really won't be able to think about anything else. Wait for the panic attack, then freak out about whether or not you should have sought medical attention, whether or not anybody saw you struggle with anyone. Then cry uncontrollably when you realize that no matter what you piece together you'll still never really know what happened. Then debate whether knowing if there was anything more than alcohol present in your system would really be comforting, but decide it wouldn't matter. Then come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whether or not anything actually happened this time around because it could have, and that's bad enough. Break down and cry three more times just for fun. Just because you can't stop the echoes and the flashes, just because you can't stop hating yourself. Because no matter how many times anyone tells you differently, or how many times you explain it to yourself or spout off defiantly at someone else for blaming you, deep down you can't seem to truly forgive yourself. Now drink 5 cups of tea, shake it off, and put together a relaxing playlist for your drive home.

Use the power of your voice to heal...


( 4 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Sep. 9th, 2004 06:32 am (UTC)
This post made a lot of unhappy memories come flooding back, but nothing like what you have experienced, but I needed to deal with them all the same.
I know it's funny when you have blackout stories, and I drank sooo much stories, but we all need to be a little more careful out there.
And good friends are important. Always.
Sep. 10th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC)
sometimes just talking about these things can help you deal with them. it's amazing how cathartic it can be to just let go when you've been holding on to something like that for so long...

I often used to say "my friends are my life" and really it's true. There's nothing better you can do in this life than to surround yourself with good people :)
Sep. 9th, 2004 12:23 pm (UTC)
I understand
It's okay to feel real down about something like that. It's scary when you can't remember parts of your night and you know how vunerable you were. Just take some comfort in the knowledge that others have had simlar experiences and try to do the best you can to learn from this and avoid it from happening again. It'll be okay. Also it's refreshing too that you had such a strong reaction to what happened, i think it's scarier when people completely blow it off and the continue to let it happen again and again. This post although sad, seemed much more "real" then all the others to be honest. But I hope something like this doesn't happen to you again.
Sep. 10th, 2004 08:40 am (UTC)
Re: I understand
thank you for your kindness and support. it's always a comfort to know i'm not alone in my experiences, and it's been particularly rewarding to be able to share with people who can understand where i'm coming from.

As for the reality factor... i think the most "real" writing always comes from the most intense emotions, and well, it's hard to beat this... I'd like to think though that some of my more ecstatic posts may have had achieved the same level.
( 4 spankings — spank your inner moppet )