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do you need anybody?

I can't even begin to process this week... it's been insane and amazing and so much more than I ever could have imagined.

First things first. Thank you so much to everyone who made it out this weekend to celebrate with me. I loved my cake (carvel - SO my favorite), I loved the non-stop flow of drinks-i-didn;t-have-to-pay-for, but most off all, I loved getting to spend time just talking and laughing with everyone. Now, let me once again refer you to the fact that I have the most amazing friends EVER. They plotted and planned and surprised me with quite possibly the best gift I've ever received. That's right folks, you're looking at the owner of a 4th gen ipod. As per my previous ramblings, I'm now indebted to all 21 of them for life. I guess the ipod couldn't get here in time for the festivities, so they wrote me a letter from the ipod. As I started reading I could feel my heart rise into my throat. I know it was a simple thing for them to do, but it means the world to me that they went and did it. In a way it makes me feel like I'm headed home when I'm rolling southbound on the FDR, and well, feeling I have a home away from home with people I adore, life just doesn't get a whole lot better than that.

(of course i know have to descend form the cloud of "best friends ever")
i had a fantastically amazing week culminating in two incredible nights of birthday celebration - things got progressively more fun, more distracting, more palpably exciting and now... I feel physically and emotionally spent. I can't keep up with my life. I build things up in my head, I keep running, keep letting the endorphins sustain me, and when I have to slow down, pause for even a moment... I can't fight the disappointment. But is anticipation really everything? Shouldn't there be an afterglow, a peace that lasts with satisfaction? Or is the point really that I'm truly falling short of my goals, that all the immediate gratification in the world can't sustain me from some sort of deeper hunger?

Ah, I didn't mean to be such a downer. Maybe it's the going back to work thing - it sucks. I'll tell you what doesn't suck though, new crushes and first kisses. I find them highly recommendable. Cute boys who tell you that you have pretty hair, and with that most basic of compliments, can send you straight back to the 7th grade. Boys who inspire those involuntary smiles that you can feel sweeping over your face. Boys who have a simply smoldering way of staring at you that sets off waves of flip flopping in your tummy. These boys, should be kissed. And when you are kissed exactly the way you've always wanted to be kissed, and then told that you are an amazing kisser? Yeah. That's when you know you're in trouble.

So, welcome to trouble. In my world of it you can't stay happy for more than 24 hours before you start waiting for the other shoe to drop. In my case, I'm looking at a closet full of Manolos... first we have the incommunicado problem. Despite the fact that we saw each other 4 times last week, there has not been an exchange of digits or emails or, well, anything. This is disconcerting. I've grown accustomed to a lack of phone calls, but now I feel like we've gone to radio silence & I have no idea when I'll see him again... and while that might be somewhat mysterious and romantic, it's really more frustrating than anything else. Then we have the ::gasp:: idea of feelings. I don't know him well enough to have a deep seeded connection, but I obviously feel something, and every other minute I want to be kissing him. That should be a good thing, but to me, it's scary. I figure if I like him, and especially if he likes me, there inevitably must be something wrong with him. I start to imagine what new and exciting way he'll find to burst my bubble, and before you know it I'm wondering if I should just back the hell off before I hurt him, or he hurts me and I'm back to a world of pain. We all know I crush out constantly. We all know I'm a fan of the making out. We all know I'm prone to over-dramatizing things. I can't believe I'm ready to blow off something that was making me so giddy just because I'm paranoid about feeling something for someone again. I, of course, have no real intentions of backing off... when it comes down to it, I'm very good at ignoring premeditated plans in the presence of cute boys who make me smile. But I will go against the grain a little. I won't reach out for him, I'm just going to sit here on my hands until I see him again, and well, we'll just see how things go.

I'm headed this evening to Eleven for the premiere of Atomique, the newest weekly party in town brought to you by my favorite beautiful schemer, Miss MelodyNelson. Its bound to be a good time, filled up with great people and great music. Plus it's FREE, and the drinks are half off if you get there early, so really? You have no excuse. The perfect solution to the Monday doldrums. Come out tonight! (you know you want to...)