Log in

No account? Create an account

back thattaway | next thisaway

there's beauty in the breakdown

let me tell you a little story about the circle of death...

don't get all up in arms, it's really much less macabre than it sounds... although it is still somewhat sordid.

junior year at ssu, I had a roommate that I became crazy tight with. we had bonded over having very similar close-knit groups of friends at home, so close, in fact, that they were something of a romantic free-for-all. She had a name for her little group, she called them "the circle of death". Not only did I immediately adopt the name and apply it to my own incestuous group of friends at home, but I have come to use it ever since when describing any group of friends in which inter-dating and intrigue run rampant. Now a circle of death isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world... for a particular time & place in life it actually works in a bizarre and dysfunctional kind of way. Having said that, it's hard to breathe inside one, it's a terrible place to be when emotion is involved (as precious little can grow out of the circle) and trying to find your way out can be quite an arduous task. And once you are out? It's not over... First, because it's likely that you'll still have to maintain some level of connection; and second, having been involved in one makes you infinitely more susceptible to falling into another one. Such has been the case for me. Try as I might to avoid them, I always end up smack dab in the middle of one Circle of death after another.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, a circle of death can be harmless... with everyone's cards on the table there's less of a chance that people will get hurt. But let's face it - we hate showing our hands to anyone, so 9 times out of 10, even if you are showing some of your hand - you've got an ace up your sleeve, or a straight draw that the rest of the table is blind to. And inevitably other people are going to hedge their bets based on what they think you're holding, and will be surprised and disappointed when you bare your hand and they lose out on the pot.

Well, now that we are all up to speed on "circles of death" it shouldn't surprise anyone that I'm in one currently. If you read carefully, you can probably gather that a good portion of the alphas and betas are well acquainted with each other. That in and of itself would not constitute a circle of death, but throw an additional girl or two into the mix & you've got a recipe for drama straight up c.o.d. style.

Now lets switch gears for a moment:

I enjoy attending the odd movie by myself. It's an invigorating and somewhat luxurious experience in that can be entirely about me... my anticipation, my reaction, my ability to maintain the tone afterwards and to continue to bask in my reflections of it for hours. Anyhow, I've come to appreciate the experience, especially with certain films - I've seen Igby Goes Down solo, I got Lost In Translation by myself... lot's of "moody Indie films" that I'm desperate to see when I'm feeling either particularly disenchanted or moody or what have you. So it should come as no surprise that after failing to find someone to accompany me, I went to see Garden State by myself yesterday.

Basically, when it comes down to it - I'm an impatient person, all about instant gratification (ok, maybe with one notable exception...) and I've been drooling over this movie for months. There was no way I wasn't going to see it this weekend - I didn't care if it was playing in a "theater near me" or if I couldn't wrangle anyone into tagging along, I had made up my mind. So I bought a ticket on fandango, hopped in the bug, and headed to Manhattan for the umpteenth time that weekend. I found a mint parking spot and made one last attempt to get a hold of someone whom I knew wanted to see it. Hearing nothing in reply, I simply found myself a comfy seat towards the back of the floor section in the theater, and waited patiently for the show to start.

Now this is the point where my story should end and I should start raving about how amazing the film was, but nooooo...
instead, it's time for another episode of "Super secret TV formulas that manifest themselves in Jocelyn's life". Previous episodes have included Oops! I Double Booked Myself, and the classic, "My Best Friend's Wedding... to my EX". In tonight's episode, we're going to throw a couple of crazy kids into a highly improbable situation and see what kind of wacky hijinks ensue!

la, la-la, la... hanging out in my chair, sipping on my diet coke, anxious to be swept up in something that looks like it could be Kevin Smith vs. Sophia Coppola. And then it just happened. There are what? 1.5 Million people living in Manhattan? And hundreds of movie theaters? With dozens and dozens of films to choose from? Right. So maybe there are only 6 theaters currently hosting Garden State... still, 1.5 million people, 2 screens within this particular theater, 10 or so showtimes per day. So ordinarily, nobody I know is going to walk into the theater & sit DIRECTLY in front of me. Except, of course, that my life is a sitcom... so TWO people I know do just that - take the seats that up until 30 seconds ago, my feet were pushed up against. And mind you, these were not just any two people -oh no- they were members of my new and improved Circle of Death. Members with which there exists some sort of unresolved tension as of late. I, of course, freak the fuck out. Wouldn't you? I mean if they had seen me & said hi, that would have been one thing, but to sit directly in front of me & not see me at all!? Now things were uncomfortable. I whispered to the girl on my right to let me out, and bolted for the bathroom. had this been an actual sitcom - I would have tripped over her feet fallen flat on my face & crawled up the aisle creating a commotion that would have stirred them from their in-depth conversation & alerted them to my presence - which would have been ironic considering I was trying to do just the opposite. But thank god for small favors, I made it out of the theater without incident. Speed dial fired up, I shared my sitch with a sympathetic ear, pleading, "what do I do now!!?" I mean - there were barely any seats left in there! The plan was formulated... wait until cover of dark, slip back in during the previews & locate a seat as far back from them as possible... and executed. Despite my mild shaking and the gallon of lactic acid that seemed to be coursing through my veins, I managed to sit back and enjoy the movie. Until, of course, I tensed up wondering what the last scene would be & if I could make it down the stairs & out the door before they stood up & turned around. Have I mentioned that I tend to flee from conflict? lol. well, I couldn't. I got halfway down, saw them stand up & booked back to my seat to investigate the loss of my cell phone - which of, course was never missing, but provided me with a decent excuse to duck down behind the row of seats in front of me. With a furtive glance, I noticed that they appeared to be sitting out the credits after all, so I scrambled down the stairs, out into the lobby & you have never seen anything move so quickly down an escalator in your entire life ... if there hadn't been innocent bystanders I'd have slid down the hand rails ala Mallrats. Shaky again by the time I got back to the beetle, I decided I was in serious need of a drink isn't that a sign of alcoholism - the belief that only alcohol can calm you down? I made a few calls, located one of mes amis drinking fancy drinks known as "Sprite"s at the Hudson Hotel & went to meet him... two gin & tonics later the world was right again, I'd met his two incredibly sweet British friends, and I had a whole new perspective on the direction and depth of our friendship. It was a pleasant surprise ending to an incredibly exhausting day.

Now - I see you there at your computer, shaking your head at my "childish antics" saying, wouldn't just have been easier to tap them on the shoulder & complain that they were blocking your view in order to alert them to your presence & simultaneously diffuse any tension by making a joke of it? Well of course that would have been the mature & level headed response... but, have you met me? Besides. I wasn't prepared to deal with them, or the idea of them, or the question of whether or not there is a them - it was just kind of a "whoa" moment, and I did what I do best when it comes to uncomfortable situations... I ran.

Stay tuned for Curiosa in all it's deep-green glory as well as Strangers With Candy sightings & a tribute to the Village Idiot on it's last night in operation.


( 4 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Aug. 3rd, 2004 01:20 pm (UTC)
ummm, wow.

that's all.... wow. i hope you are okay.
Aug. 3rd, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC)
I'm fine. really. I've been fine... I had a mini-meltdown over somthing that I wasn't even sure WAS anything, but in four hours time I was well over it. I suppose I'm just fickle like that. It IS, however, the most amusing & unbelievable thing to have happened to me all year.

thank you for asking though Mr/Ms Anonymous poster
(whom I am unable to track to my satisfaction, damn aol!)

Aug. 3rd, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC)
I hear ya
Seriously I can relate. I used to call the east village a graveyard of ex boyfriends, because as it would seem, I ran into one around almost every corner. ( And never the ones you want to run into either ) Then there was the guy friend whom after 8 months of secretly being so hot for. I finally managed to profess my feelings. Technically, I didn't even let him reject me ( which given his "confusion" and lack of motivation in trying to contact me after said confession) well it was pretty much implied. So what happens next? Well after 3 successful weeks of non-contact and avoidance, I literally turn around in the drink line at an Interpol show and come face to face with him, but before I could even think of what to say I hear someone call my name.. Was it him? No no no... It just happens to be the freak I dated the month before Sept 11th. That given our very brief stint of dating I had decided to just stop calling him. Which caused him to not take it to well and hence he proceeded to stalk me for the next 3 years of life. ( I could not make this up) Up till that very moment I had avoided running into or taking his phonecalls. So faced with the guy who rejected me and the guy whom I really needed to get a restraining order against (lol) I did what any girl would do...( who was wasted and high) I grabbed my girlfriend...gave a look of deer in headlights, tripped over the carpet nearly toppling my friend and bolted to the bathroom where we smoked cigarettes in the stall for the next 30 minutes. Classic.
Aug. 4th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC)
Re: I hear ya
wow... that's insane.
you can be part of the "my life is a sitcom" club.
I'd have done exactly the same thing, only I'd probably have gone toes over tits on my way down that staircase.

Thanks for sharing... it's comforting to be reminded that on occasion, the world plays cosmic jokes on other people too.
( 4 spankings — spank your inner moppet )