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My scream got lost in a paper cup...

things are so very seldom what they seem:

I thought I was going to bed early last night... I didn't.

Instead the insanity of the weekend whipped around in my brain until I was nauseated. So of course, I went and wasted the last of my money on gas and cigarettes to drive around aimlessly and listen to brit pop circa 02 whilst wallowing in my new state of madness and destroying my lungs.

I thought I had worked through my trust issues... I haven't.

Or perhaps, more accurately, people are just not as open and honest about things as I would have them be – as, say, I tend to be at least. Maybe k has been right all along in that I expect too much of people, that I give too much of myself in expectation of a return and then have nothing when I don't get back what I was looking for.

I thought I had a handle on the guy situation... I don't.

Moreover, I thought I had a handle on the remaining Alphas... I really, really don't. Despite the fact that I'm no longer head over feet for any of them, they each still have the power to hurt me, and in the span of about 72 hours, they all, in turn, (as a matter of fact, in ORDER) managed to do just that. I am a world class sucker folks, it ought to be tattooed on my forehead or my ass or something.

I thought I was brilliantly angry... I'm not.

At some point I was seething with ire and anger, but now it's all dissolved into a giant puddle of disappointment and the kind of complacency with mediocrity that drives me to become the queen of under – achievement that I am. After all, my brain immediately reviews the videotape to point out where and when I could have prevented my emotional scrapes and bruises. ie: it's your own damn fault for letting anyone get to you , for putting yourself in situations where you know you can get hurt, so fuck off and quit storming about like some self-righteous jackass with a superiority complex

I'm sorry. There were a lot of bright spots to the weekend, not the least of which was a brilliant adventure in the rain, but I just can't get past the obnoxious bits that are circulating in my head right now. All I know is I'm so fucking glad I don't have to deal with any of it at all for a couple of days.


( 4 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Jul. 27th, 2004 11:04 am (UTC)
This is so passive agressive it kind of makes me sick. I don't know what you are thinking or not thinking, but it's really ricidulous. I know this is your "forum" for saying whatever you want, but this creating drama where it's totally unnecessary is just getting old. I've let a lot of stuff slide, but you keep airing things publicly that are and should remain private to the point where it cannot be ignored and this is my "public" response. I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to be fair and honest.
Jul. 27th, 2004 01:05 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm glad I've inspired such clemency for my past transgressions...
In the meantime, please allow me to reiterate for the general public that this is my journal and one might expect for me to vent in it if I'm having a particularly shitty time of things.

I thought I was being rather respectful by lumping all of my frustrations together instead of describing them specifically, but perhaps I was mistaken. Too bad, I could have saved myself a bloody tongue in the process.
Aug. 2nd, 2004 08:47 pm (UTC)
What a cock-knocker!
I rather enjoyed the rant/vent and felt it was pretty darn objective, all things considered!

Besides, who posts behind a blank mask? Be human and put a face to it, geez!!!
Aug. 4th, 2004 07:49 am (UTC)
Re: What a cock-knocker!
i knew who it was, and they knew that i'd know...

but thank you,

sometimes you can be incredibly sweet ;)
( 4 spankings — spank your inner moppet )