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musings from this weekend:

a) Apparently, I can't go ANYWHERE without being subjected to live music.

I went out in westchester for the first time in months and months to the establishment formerly known as Molly's to have a nice quiet drink with my girl, and all of a sudden we were assaulted by the way too loud sounds of some local band. This was very disconcerting, they never had bands play when it was Molly's... ugh. Considering we could no longer converse without shouting, we decided a change of venue was in order & made our way over to Fogarty's. This was a good call as we ran into Kev on our way in, and then found "I have a brother, Frank" at the bar. And once again we were able to converse at a reasonable level until... the band came back from their break. Dammit. It was Fogarty's on a Friday... having been out of the loop for so long I forgot. Being rather exhausted and not in the mood to attempt any form of Irish Step or reel dancing, we decided to call it a night. (despite Kevin's disapproving glare at the idea that we might actually leave the bar any time before 4 am, what can I say? The days of the "Full Throttle Summer" are behind me - if I'm going to be out that late, it has to involve a little more than it used to...
Saturday Nora, Audra & I made our way out to Cedar Beach in Long Island. We sunned, we snoozed, we snacked, we swam, and when it was time to pack up we made our way up to the pavillion.... where a knee slappin' countrified band were jamming out. Ha!
Sunday I was back down to Rothko where (god bless Miss Modernage) I didn't have to shell out $15 to see My TVs, Surefire & the Bravery. Followed by an impromptu acoustic dinner performance from half of The GoStation, and then Tim Williams and "Scary Mansion" at Pianos.

2) The sun is not my friend

c'mon now Jocelyn, this is not a new insight... you KNOW you're spontaneously combustible... blah blah, fuck off cakes. of course I know I burn easily, of course I used sunscreen, of course I spent some time in the shade... Also? I haven't burned like this in years. Normally, I can feel myself starting to burn & get out of the sun, ASAP. I blame the tremendously beautiful weather with it's deceptively cool breeze that kept me from barely getting hot enough to want to brave the chilly waters. So yes, the sun is not my friend... I had all sorts of plans for Saturday night: Mercury Lounge, White Party, Misshapes. And they were all dashed by the "ow, with the hurting and the pain" of my sizzling skin. I stayed in painting myself with Aloe & Lidocaine, and reducing icepacks to warm jelly in minutes with my back.

d) All I really want is a boy with a cold compress and a gentle touch.

Once upon a time there was a boyfriend with a terrible sunburn. His girlfriend sat home with him all night on the couch watching movies & alleviating the pain with cold vinegar compresses (btw, if you've never done this... it's seriously the best thing to do for a sunburn. soak paper towels or washcloths in cold vinegar & apply to burned area. You'll smell like a salad for a while, but it really gets rid of the sting) Anyhow, thinking back on that incident, I realized that all I really want is someone who would do that for me. Somebody who would sit home and take care of me even when my pain was self-inflicted... well, I suppose that might not be ALL i want, but it's a big part of it. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself, but it would be so nice to have someone there to lean on sometimes.

5) I'm lonely, and possibly re-entering the "numb" section.

I spend all this time with all of these people - all of these friends and acquaintances who fill my days. But when it comes down to it? I'm still going home alone. Not that I don't appreciate that fact on occasion, but this isn't really about sleeping arrangements - it's about that feeling of "having someone" when you close your eyes at night. It's a warm, safe feeling... blah, blah, security cakes. But it's true. The two main things people are looking for from a partner are passion and security - and at the moment I have neither. I haven't had passion in quite some time, and the security? Well, that's been even longer. And when I take a look at the boys... both alphas and betas alike, well, I'm not going to find both elements with any of them. So what's the point then? Why pursue them at all? Sometimes I think I'm just tired of being alone. Now that might sound awful at first, but it's really not all that bad. Each in their own way I find attractive - they make me laugh, they entertain me, and I get to feel a glimmer of something for a few moments - and well, that's nice. Feeling like you matter to someone, even if it's brief, is comforting and makes the long haul that much easier to bear.

g) You know you might be spending a little too much time with a band when someone assumes that you're actually IN the band. ha. hahahahah. bwahahahahahahah. ME. in a band. heheheheh. additional maniacal laughter prolonged by overexposure to the sun