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eh. i don't know what i'm doing on this thing half the time...

sometimes it's true, i write for me to figure things out for myself, to poke fun at myself and my misadventures, to commiserate with an invisible audience who are drawn to distract themselves from their own personal dramas with a taste of mine. I like those posts - those are my favorite posts. Posts where I feel like people might read and feel like I've held a mirror up to their lives, and that maybe they thought they were the only ones who ever thought / felt / acted a certain way, and now all of a sudden they have company... they have someone to point to and say hey look! I'm not so insane... she's much more neurotic than me!!

But I have to say that sometimes my posting is a little darker, a little pointed, a little selfish - and it's the other half of why it's online in a vaguely public forum. In a private journal you can only air your feelings, get things off your chest - in a public one, you can find a new outlet for your passive-aggressive tendencies. Oh yeah, I went there. I can be the queen of twisting my words, my outpouring of emotion to benefit me. I push buttons because it's what I do - but I do it quietly... I layer it with guilt trips, I use smug self-effacing comments peppered with zingers that only the appropriate people will pick up on, and I do it really well. Just ask any of the ex's. I'm manipulative without even trying, I've learned from the master and it's just ingrained in me - only I've surpassed her. I'm ten times as subtle when I want to be. There are worse things I could do I suppose - and there are worse things I have done... I mean everybody has an angle right? An agenda that they're trying to push? Is there really anything so wrong about whispering it instead of shouting it from the rooftops? Still... in retrospect, I feel a little guilty about it sometimes. At least I recognize it enough in myself to be sure that in general I keep my priorities straight. um, yeah, I know. I said, "in GENERAL".


( 1 spanking — spank your inner moppet )
Jun. 2nd, 2004 01:05 pm (UTC)
...and this is where you've held your mirror up for me.
I used to think I shouldn't be allowed around people because it was so effortless for me to get my way - and to get the others to think my idea was their idea in the first place.

I do enjoy reading about your dramas, and though I haven't known you except through your words, I enjoy reading them when you post.
Try not to feel too guilty, though. Its better to sometimes have ulterior motives and recognize that they're there than to be a selfish person 24/7.
( 1 spanking — spank your inner moppet )