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My brain is all over the place today, and I just thought I'd share a little of what was tickling my grey matter...

First off, been thinking a lot lately about the young'uns and where I was at their particular ages (yes this will feed straight back into my "I'm ridiculously obsessed with my own nostalgia & with keeping records of everything so that I can always remember things the way they were") And since a few of their birthdays are coming up over the next few months... I sat down (again, I've definitely done this before... only it tends to be closer to MY birthday when I do) to recall what I'd done on each of my last, say 13 birthdays. Today it turned out that I remember what I did on every single birthday except one, my 23rd. And it bugged me for hours and hours - but I was just drawing a complete blank. Now it was 2000, so I was still with K, in fact, it was one week after he, Ian and I got back from Florida. And I know we probably went out with Meesch, most likely to the Milburn... but usually I have much clearer memories of these things. See, now would be one of those moments when still actually having functioning relationships with either of them would come in handy... I could just pick their brains & figure out what the hell we did, but oh well. So I turned to my extensive email logs that go back to the year Jesus... but got nowhere with that. And then something 'caught my eye & I instantly knew why I didn't remember... Voa Voa died three days before my birthday. I think on the actual day all of my Aunts & Uncles came over & we had a barbecue, but it was a muted kind of day - and we all were still alternately laughing and crying & missing her. It's funny, because now I know exactly what I was wearing, and that Kris & Michelle & David were there for sure, but I still don't know what we did afterwards... but at least I don't feel so bad about not remembering anymore.

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad...

Secondly... whilst going through the old emails, I stumbled across an exchange I'd had with K in June of '00. I laughed so hard - it's really unbelievable, how we used to be. I'd love to post the entire exchange here to demonstrate my point for all you who are not intimately familiar with what I'm talking about, but I won't. (as I WELL remember how much I hated it when he posted my emails publicly) Anyhow, from reading I gathered that at that particular juncture we had resorted once again to attempting to remain "just friends" / "friends with benefits" and were in the midst of another battle wherein he thought I was treating him too much like a boyfriend, and I retaliated by treating him like any of the rest of the gang and then playing up my recent flirtations and then refusing to tell him what had come of any of them, which in turn prompted him to throw a jealous fit about it. It's Sordid stuff people - all we ever did was fight and make-up, and make each other jealous or nuts or both and repeat the cycle... we were completely insane for staying together as long as we did... and yet there we were, officially back together again less than two weeks after that very exchange. But hey, we were young and foolish and there wasn't a person on the planet who could have told me that it wasn't going to be him and only him for the rest of my life. My, my how the years change the way you look at these things... it's such a strange phenomenon - to know that you will always love someone and simultaneously know that it's not enough to make it work between the two of you. I think that may be the hardest lesson in love to learn: that love in and of itself is not always enough. It pretty much sucks. Especially when you grow up believing "love is the answer" and "love will conquer all", etc, etc... And it never really gets any easier once you've learned your lesson because your heart never knows the difference -- it just wants what it wants, and pays no heed to past mistakes, or whispered warnings or, you know, reality.