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don't be afraid, you have so many choices, hold your head up high and say goodbye.
no second thoughts, you have a future waiting...

last night i cried. I cried and cried and just couldn't stop. And it wasn't about losing my ipod, or hurting the beetle, or even being broke... My heart is just so heavy, it actually hurts. I'm just so very tired of my life. And I know it's been a particularly bad week, and maybe that has something to do with it, but part of me thinks that it's just been coming on slowly over the last month or so. My constant cyclic bouts of being fantastically happy tempered with the lows that follow... I run and I run, but no matter how hard or how fast I push myself, I'm never going to get away because how can you escape yourself?

And that's what it is... everything I do... the alcohol, the cigarettes, the boys, even the music - they're all just distractions - ways to keep from focusing on the things in my life that make me unhappy... namely watching my "limitless potential" fall by the wayside. Or something like that. I've feel like I've made such a mess of my life sometimes - and I overwhelm myself when I think of all I would have to do to fix it. I suppose this is almost normal for my generation - the quarter-life crisis, right? The age where I'm looking around thinking I should have accomplished so much more by now & realizing that I'm still feel 17 inside, wondering what my life will be like & hey - shouldn't this already BE my life? Then why don't I feel like I'm really living it? I guess the biggest problem is that either I really still haven't figured out what I want out of life, OR that I have actually discovered it, but can't let myself admit to it for fear that having a goal might mean I'd have to strive for it & then what?

God, I'm the ultimate downer aren't I? If you're particularly happy about something I highly recommend not talking to me. I just have a feeling I'm just going to end up bumming out everyone who spends any kind of time with me this week. I just found out that whomever took my ipod also took off with my father's briefcase. And here I am now, crying at work. I hate crying at work. It's just miserable - you can't let go the way you want to , but it's a struggle because you're obviously over-wrought or you would have been able to fight back the tears in the first place.

Ah. I'm so tired of wanting what I can't have and having what I can't want. Does that make sense? It ought to... on several levels. Most obviously perhaps I want boys who I can't have or who won't have me. This weekend was FULL of glaring statements to that effect. Everyone wants to give me these huge meaningful hugs, and not-so-much with the kissing these days. ::sigh:: It's just a little unnerving. And of course there's one that's stinging worse than the rest because he just has that effect on me. Because I can be so angry with him, but when he smiles it's washed away; because he still says tiny things he knows I'll catch; because he looks at me when he thinks I'm not watching. But to some degree they're all like that... I take turns mooning over the three most passive-aggressive flirts on the planet. Lucky Me. I need a vacation & a vacation fuck SO badly it isn't even funny.

Now, having what I can't want is a little tricky... its message is twofold. On the one hand, it's been brought to my attention lately that there are certain persons who would want to be with me. And as much as I may adore said persons, as much as I would want to give it a shot just because they are too, too good to me... I've been down that road before and when there's no attraction - giving yourself over & trying to create one, well, it just doesn't work and you only end up losing a friend. On the other hand, much like the former statement, there are certain persons that I "have" or perhaps "had" but can't let myself want - if only because I know that they're no good for me. So yeah, that explains that.

In other news, you might have noticed that I've vagued thing up a bit & also skipped my normal weekend review. First off, what was a great weekend ended up kind of shitty thus capping off my shitty week nicely. Namely, my ipod got stolen out of my father's car late night on Saturday. This, coupled with the rest of last weeks tiny disasters has caused an ungodly amount of self-reflection and doubts about the way in which I'm living my life. So I am in a not-so-great place at the moment & I don't think I'd do any of the events justice if I came up with a highlights reel while I'm still all heart-heavy & what not.

As far as double-vagueness, well, I'm not sure what I'm doing about the alphas now. As of this weekend, I'm fairly sure that most (all but one) of them know about this now & I haven't yet decided if I'm going to keep up my detailed descriptions of them with the thinly veiled aliases. I mean on the one hand, some of them have known for months, so if they can handle it, why can't the rest of them? And this is not to say that anyone is per say angry about their cameos or that they're not taking it well, but it's a little different to be writing about people you know are reading AND that you know you'll see out all the time. But on the other hand, I only end up feeling totally vulnerable & we all know how much I prefer my finely crafted armor of indifference, sarcasm & self-deprecation... so, I'll have to consider whether to bring them back in their current incarnations or if I come up with an altogether different method of presentation.