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Try Not To Think About It...

Anyone ever try to NOT think about something? It’s really damn near impossible. Perhaps it’s because to not think about it you have to remember what you’re not supposed to be thinking – which invariably makes you think of it. *ugh*

It really is becoming quite overwhelming at the moment. I keep myself busy, try to concentrate on any number of tasks, but it all tends to slip through the cracks, leak into my thoughts… And it doesn’t take much to trigger certain thoughts anyways, especially when you’re dealing with people whom you have substantial memories of. A word, an image, a song, even a smell can take you straight back to a memory & conjure everything back up again. And let’s not even talk about the home movies your mind makes up when you know everything there is to know about your cast and the way they work…

**ugh** **ugh** **ugh**

How am I supposed to get past this when it is thoroughly consuming me? And what exactly is it going to leave in it’s wake? I hate the person I feel myself becoming, but as much as I see where I’m headed, I can’t manage to jump the track. This was supposed to just be a run of the mill recovery period here… spend some time alone, wallow, regroup, spend some time with friends; let them tell me that everything is going to be alright, that he wasn’t good enough for me anyways, that there is nothing wrong with me, that the next girl he finds won’t be half as great as I was, etc…

But now? Oh god, I don’t know. I feel like I’m living in the fucking twilight zone. Nothing is the way it’s supposed to be, and I’m really terrified that it never will be again.

/rant. Okay, I’m going to go back to work now & try not to think about it some more… for all the good it’ll do me.


( 2 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
Nov. 8th, 2002 06:52 am (UTC)
Self esteem
If you need your friends to tell you, you are good enough, perhaps you should take a deep look inward and reassess what you see. Do you lack the self esteem and self worth to do it yourself? It appears so. I think that is sad. An obviously intelligent woman like yourself. Make YOU better for you.
Nov. 8th, 2002 07:21 am (UTC)
Re: Self esteem
Hmmn. An interseting point -- my self-esteem has always been a little on the shaky side, but never, I think, in the "danger zone". I know who I am and how I am, and I appreciate all of it. There are some things about myself that I look forward to changing, but I feel I'm pretty on-track as far as "me" is concerned. It's true that I know what is coming, as far as heading for a callous phase, and I know that I don't like being bitter -- but that most of all means I should try to open up all the more to my friends. I don't think there's anything wrong with needing re-assurance from the people that love you. No one can do it soley on their own, people need people. We need "support systems" to help us through even the most minor of travesties in our lives, and when that support dissapears is when people wind up in trouble. I need my friends, and I'm glad to say that I do - I think it would be rather sad to go through life not needing anyone. It's a tricky thing to keep your heart open after you've been hurt, but the only way I see that it's possible is to be around people who love you.
( 2 spankings — spank your inner moppet )