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This is why I don't like boys:

I am currently, at work. I should be thinking – about work. Instead, I am trying to figure out what I did wrong this weekend that might explain why the boy whose bed I was in as of oh 3:30 Saturday afternoon, should not have called me since. Or replied to the very non-threatening text I sent him Saturday night. That's 32 hours for those of you keeping track at home. (well, 32 hours since the text, 42 hours since we last spoke) Speaking of when we last spoke – it was a bit suspicious. Given, I had about 5 minutes to catch my bus & he knew this, but the goodbye was very abrupt & did not end with "I'll call you" – almost pointedly so. Instead, he said something along the lines of we'll talk soon. Very non-committal. I fucking hate that. Actually, I don't. What I do hate is the "lets see each other 6 times in 2 weeks, with 5 days of intermittent phone interaction & then... Nooothing. No. thing. Makes a girl very uncomfortable. Very.

I really thought I did the right thing this weekend, but now I'm second guessing myself all over the place. Maybe I didn't do enough of the right thing? I don't know. Maybe I said too much, maybe I should have agreed to go running – in his shoes? And best of all… I am probably making WAY more of this than it's worth. He may text me this afternoon & all my worrying will have been for naught. Or he won't. I don't know. This waiting just sucks. I mean doesn't he know he was doing everything right before? Doesn't he know that's what made him special? Worth spending a night with? And now he's acting just like every other boy and it's disappointing. I mean this was the most important call. The "I just spend some quality partially-naked time with you & I didn't hate that" call. The lack of which has the power to send even the most jaded "lets just wait and see what happens" girl into a tailspin of insecurity.

Right. So that – in a nutshell, is why I don't like boys.

Also... I used to love Greek Myths, and sex. Now I don't so much. There is so much pent up anger and rage that I have at eros right now it is unbelievable. I want him out, I want him gone form my thoughts, gone from my memories. I think I'm starting to see that I was in love with him. This may not have been the forever kind of love, but it was the soul crushing kind for sure. I hate that I'm so scared of this new relationship. I hate that this boy who I struggled to stay casual with has managed to take me down to such lows of insecurity. Why am I reliving this today? What the hell is wrong with me that I'm angry NOW? God. I knew I wasn't ready for this. I knew on some level I would be too raw yet. But I had no idea this much was waiting just below the surface - ready to be triggered. And I feel like I'm angry at the whole world. At boyD for pushing me to talk to eros again. Or for fucking vanishing on me. I mean, I didn't want him to have to be the one to pick up the pieces again, but fuck – would it KILL him to pick up the phone once in a while to see how I'm doing? And hwsnbn. With his lecture-ific im. And boyD again. For telling me that i ought to go through life convinced that I'll always be alone.

And the really really sad thing is that i don't think I'm angry at any of them at all. I'm just frustrated with my self-inflicted isolation. No one can be there for me, because I can't seem to articulate what it is I need at all. Possibly because I don't know.