?

Log in

No account? Create an account

back thattaway | next thisaway

i'm not your jesus christ...

So, I ran into Boy A the other night. Well, not so much "ran into" as "saw across the bar" but potato potahto, you know? Anyways, here was this boy that I haven't seen in years, this boy who, when it comes down to it, really kick started this blog in the first place. And I can't stop laughing in my head, because basically - he has no idea. In fact, I think he's the only alpha that never knew, has never actually seen this place. Never saw what I said about him, or any of the other distractions that came my way over the last few years. I'm kind of glad for that. I think there's something to be said for the polite anonymity we ofer the people who have fallen out of our lives. But what seeing him again did was force me to look back at how long this particular boy cyle has been going on. it's three years now. Three years in this particular holding pattern. Three years of living off basically the same boys, the same sexual scraps, the same crushes over and over again until basically my ego has dissolved into mush.

One of the alphas had the balls to say to me the other day that I'd been single for four years by choice. He was quick to add that it could have someone "good" too, someone "better than" him. Which of course, he had to say, because it wasn't him. Because he's never wanted it to be him. But I was actually happy he said it. It was another wake up call, It has been a choice. The one thing that all of these boys have in common, is NOT wanting to be my boyfriend. And for whatever reasons ...some of them have girlfriends, some of them have exes that consume their every waking thought, some of them are scared to death of anything approaching real, some of them have their own obsessive crushes... none of them have ever, ever wanted the job. So yes, hanging out with them, making out with them, listening to them pour their hearts out for hours at a time - has been a CHOICE. An incredibly masochistic one at that. Only you know what? THREE YEARS. Three years, i think, is enough. I'm done folks. It's time to stick my neck back out on the line. It's time to actually try this "dating" crap. Meet NEW boys. Presumably ones who don't want to be my friend, because quite frankly... I have enough of those.











Comments

( 6 spankings — spank your inner moppet )
ophelia99
Apr. 3rd, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
YES!! that's right mister sister!! You deserve someone who will love every ounce of you.. and I know he's out there ... so now *you* have to get out there and in the mean time.. have some fun while you're lookin!

brainwavy
Apr. 3rd, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
Aww, baby girl do you know how much i loves ya? ::hugs::

please come visit soon!
(Anonymous)
Apr. 3rd, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
for fuck sake
brainwavy
Apr. 9th, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
oh i'm sorry... did you have something to tell me about my life?
(Deleted comment)
brainwavy
Apr. 4th, 2006 09:13 pm (UTC)
oh relax. I'm sure this "dating" thing will fail miserably. We can still live together into ripe old spinsterage...
giuliadoll
Apr. 7th, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC)
Brava! I was wondering if/when you were ever going to write again (although I guess I'm not one to talk).
( 6 spankings — spank your inner moppet )