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I'm lonely and I'm too tired to talk...

"I noticed tonight that the world has been turning while I've been stuck here withering away"


Me: this has been a year of such nothingness
Me: i just realized it
Ash: how so?
Me: Forget a relationship. I haven't even had a major crush in a year
Me: i mean when i was seriously ga-ga for hwsnbn - that was last Christmas
Ash: want an opinion? or just a "yeah. agreed"?
Me: i mean i completely shut down, didn't I? Or did I get shut down every time I tried to open up? Or did I just spend my entire year worrying about everyone else's relationships?
Me: hit me with opinion
Ash: you already hit on my first point. you let yourself be entirely consumed w/everyone else's instead of giving yourself time for your own.
Ash: and then there's the close-knitness of your lifestyle. you have pretty well tapped out on the men you know. but you don't often put yourself in situations where you don't know everyone. or less often than you used to.
Ash: but that's a broad generalization, I know
Me: it's true though
Me: my boss's son made a statement the other day that I completely understood
Me: he said "I don't want to meet anybody I don't already know"
Ash: the caveat is it's been a year with financial blows unexpected. so of course it's harder to be whimsical with your going out
Me: this is also true
Ash: haha. that's awesome quote
Me: yeah - I stand by what he said
Me: i hate meeting randoms
Me: always have
Me: but a friend of a friend is fine
Ash: I like going where I know 25% of the people.
Ash: with a +/- 5% margin of error. hehe
Me: you're better with that than I am though
Me: I don't talk to strangers
Me: lol
Ash: you used to be. you enter the room and radiate. and attract everyone to you
Ash: your game has gotten a little dusty. hehe
Me: but if you think about it - it was never with ppl i don't know
Me: i may not have known them as well as i do now
Me: but we'd met
Ash: think so?
Ash: they were friends-of-friends then
Ash: you set out on a mission to get to know them better
Ash: and succeeded
Ash: you need new conquests, even if they are friend conquests
Ash: or challenges, if not conquests
Me: i need a new life
Me: ::sigh::
Ash: just a reboot?
Me: something
Ash: an upgrade?
Me: i can't keep putting out all this energy for nothing
Me: I am burning OUT
Ash: I can't imagine being the support system that you are for so many people

Last night I was hit with such an overwhelming sense of isolation, perhaps a loneliness, but really just a lack of connection. And I started to think about why it is that I open up so easily, why I share so much so soon with new people... and part of it is I think that I'm just lonely. I search for connection wherever I can, playing the percentages as it were - figuring the more people I reach out to, the more likely it is that one of them will reach back. But my percentages aren't playing out, and lately I feel like I'm drowning. All I want is to be happy, and for the people I care about to be happy - and I can't seem to make either happen lately (not to imply that I ever could, but on occasion those have been known to be simultaneous occurrences).

There is a quote from the Witches of Eastwick, "A woman is a hole, isn't that the old expression? All the futility in the world pouring into her. How much can you take? How much can you take before you snap?" And that's me lately... bending to the point of fracture. I feel like there is nothing but futility in my efforts, and it's wearing me down much worse than I ever imagined. I try to help one and another slips, I try to please another and find myself summarily denounced by a third... a fourth calls to cry while a fifth slides down the spiral, and meanwhile my own life lies neglected in the background. I am a patient person when it comes to people, their faults, their feelings... I am patient and forgiving, and I LIKE that about myself. And lately I have found my infinite patience drying up, my forgiveness given more and more begrudgingly. I end up snapping at people I adore, at people I desperately want to be there for, because what else do you do in the face of infinite futility? I refuse to give in, so what's left with for me but to channel Sisyphus?

Part of me needs to give to feel whole - but the not getting back screws up the balance. And this is not directed at any one person, there is no one vampire sucking the life from me; and I'm sure if I were in crisis, I'd have a dozen shoulders to cry on - but I'm so worn out, so frazzled, I don't think I could even sustain my own crisis. But now I think I'm starting to flop the other way - disconnecting in drips and drabs from people I used to know through and through. and either way - I end up feeling empty. Because for all the fabulous friends I have made, even the ones who walk on their own... for all my flings, my crushes, my 16 substitute boyfriends, in the end, the one connection I seek hasn't surfaced. I still have no last call. No safe feeling of knowing someone so entirely, you need never doubt. I lack even the wanting to know someone that way, the wanting to share the rest of my story - the bits and pieces that don't come tumbling out, the chapters that have to be coaxed.

And that is the worse futility of all... to only be able to open up just so much. To not have an outlet to whom I can pour out my hurt, confess my sins, unload the burdens I have been carrying on my own. I wonder if I might never find that again, if I've been so irreparably damaged that I'll never trust implicitly again, or if relief is just around the corner. I pray that it is, because I honestly don't know how much more I can handle. To stop short of baring my soul, to not have someone I trust with it, is the worst, the most excruciating of my self inflicted wounds.