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Down the stairs and I'm out the door...

or... 50 ways to leave your lover before he can offer you coffee

(there is a forthcoming "Blizzard of '05" post in the works, but this ain't it... my apologies to those of you who are waiting on a re-cap)

Sides from a conversation this weekend:

yeah - they were so cute with the whole, "and you don't have to go home, and I don't have to go home" thing
wow
What?
you know, i can't remember the last time I actually stayed with a boy?
as in - slept over, did the cutesy breakfast thing, etc...?
yeah... it must be, well damn - Summer of '02 maybe? Yeah, it was. Geez, that's kind of sad isn't it?

And that's when I launched into my,"I'm such a boy sometimes" diatribe. You know - that one where I explain how it became evident fairly early on that (outside of a relationship) I tend to be out the post-coital door faster than Cinderella trippin over her glass-clad feet at the stroke of midnight.

I think I first discovered my penchant for "running" back in college with a friend of my roommate who was just in town for the weekend. He was sweet and adorable and after several hours of bong hits we flirted ourselves right into bed. Afterwards, I realized I had no protocol for the situation, and for some reason - that panicked me. I think I said something to the effect of, "well, that was fun - I think I'm going to throw this [roommate's comforter from roommate's bed] in the wash and get some sleep", and then? I did just that. I smiled, dressed, stripped the bedding, started the wash cycle and crawled into my own bed. I think he actually complained to her later on that he ended up feeling "so used". I remember feeling bad about that for about a half a minute... right up until hooked up with another of our roommates the next night.

So this post-coital flight syndrome only got worse as time wore on:

so, uh, how long do I have to lie here like this before I can leave, is 5 minutes enough?

Hmmn - I dunno about that, he looks like he wants to, yeah - he's gonna do the cuddle thing...

Right. So that's gonna tack on at least another 10 minutes here. Oh god, what if he falls asleep!!? I could get stuck here all night!

It's okay, focus, focus... let's just untangle some limbs here - that way if he falls asleep, we can still get out of this.

hmmn, where exactly did those jeans get to anyways....


I know. I'm beyond the odd issue - I have subscriptions.
I started tracing back my encounters and sure enough, I'm almost ALWAYS out the door inside of twenty minutes. Of course there has been the odd exception where I actually fell asleep... but even then, once I'm awake, I'm up and out before there's even a glimmer of brunch on the horizon.

As far as i can break it down, there are three main reasons for the fuck & run:

a) The sex wasn't all that. This is at least a partial factor in almost all of these situations. I think two maybe three (tops) lovers I've had over the last few years have made for memorable physical experiences. As for the rest? We honestly could just as well have been talking or dancing... hell, I could have been catching up on my sleep. Now, this isn't meant as an insult to the men I've been with... I mean lets face it, half the time one or the both of us have had a wee bit more to drink than we ought to have had and I'm sure my particular distaste for mid-coital conversation doesn't exactly help. Oh and then there's that pesky "intercourse doesn't get me off" thing - which I don't normally work into conversations with new acquaintances of the male persuasion.

2) I wouldn't chose to spend a whole lot of time with this person outside of a little physical gratification (or, more likely, physical affirmation as we just explained how it tends to be less than gratifying). I'm actually a little ashamed of this one - but I probably shouldn't be. We're all guilty of it to varying degrees. Sometimes you really do have nothing in common outside of alcohol soaked hormones - and really, the less time spent together, the better.

d) And finally, the champion of "fuck and run" issues... Fear that staying will either make you look needy, or clue him in to the fact that you might actually like him. ('cuz you know the SEX you just had didn't do that). It's a vulnerability issue and I HATE being vulnerable. And so I run. I run because I'm deathly afraid that he won't want me to stay, terrified of him thinking that I want to stay. Because "wanting to stay" actually means something. If I walk away I can write it off as just a casual thing that meant nothing. I get to pretend that I'm not getting my hopes up, and it's pretty much a "get out of jail free" card for him because if I can pretend not to have expectations, then he can pretend to believe me. Ah, the land of make-believe... where everyone lives their terribly glamorous and nonchalant lives. But it's where I live, because the alternative is horrifying. The alternative is to be lying warm and naked next to someone with hope in your heart only to hear them say that you need to leave for any number of even remotely plausible reasons. You start gathering up your things with that dull hazy feeling in your head that comes with choking back silent screams and swallowing that lump in your throat which only proceeds to set up camp in your stomach with a deep, dull, thud. It's rejection at your most helpless, most fragile, and it's just soul-shattering... the kind of moment I'm not sure you ever truly recover from...

so. there it is... the fuck & run.
comments, questions, smarmy attempts at psychoanalysis?











Comments

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krisdrum
Jan. 25th, 2005 05:38 am (UTC)
Which is worse?
So, which is worse? The obvious torture and anxiety you are bringing upon yourself with the fuck & run (self imposed rejection) or the potential rejection of the person you just shared a bed with? Being open to the rejection/acceptance of others sucks and does make you vulnerable, but truly being open to either is much more difficult when you aren't open to it from yourself. Seems to me that is the root of the issue. By fucking & running you are telling yourself "why would they ever find it in their heart to like me, love me, accept me? I'm simply not good enough". So you beat them to the "obvious" punch of rejection in hopes of staying in charge of the situation, when you feel most powerless. Being that definite probably doesn't leave much room for things to progress, should you really want it to. I guess there is a fine line between keeping yourself from getting hurt and hurting yourself.

Smarmy enough? Its late, my smarm tends to lack at this late hour.
brainwavy
Jan. 25th, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Which is worse?
ah Dr. Fleming... smarmy to the last drop. so good to see you haven't lost your touch ;)

you are, as per usual, correct in your evaluations of me - but I thought I implied as much in my post. Well, at least as far as the cycle being a self-perpetuated one driven by fear of rejection. To make matters a bit worse, a good 75% of the time I'm dead on with my assumption that they won't like/love/accept me. I know this because they can't or don't and I've likely pursued them specifically for that reason. See? It's a secondary layer of pre-emptive rejection - picking people you know things can't progress with.

What can I say? I like my pain in small manageable doses that I can see coming a mile away. It doesn't necessarily hurt less, but the recovery effort is generally far less exhausting, and that's something I can truly appreciate these days.

Aside from that... I know, at least intellectually, that I am worthy of being loved. I think however, that I'm more afraid of acceptance than of rejection. If I really were to find someone who accepted me for me - *I* would have to accept me for me... me as I am, not how I would have me be - and for someone who still feels a lot like cookie dough, that in and of itself is a daunting prospect.
krisdrum
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:38 am (UTC)
Man, I just wrote a whole freakin' response and lost it. OK, I'll sum up. Since you are already cookie dough, why not start making some cookies for yourself? I think having something "concrete" for a boy to "get his little mind around" would serve you well, instead of being as flexible and moldable as cookie dough. I don't have much faith in some knight riding in to make cookies for himself. Most knights would rather go to the bakery, take a look at the cookie selection and say "I'll take that one, looks good".

In non-cookie terms I think it is going to be much more difficult to find a boy willing to accept you for who you are, if you aren't even sure who you are. "Build it, and they will come". You can't have ballplayers in your cornfield, if there isn't a diamond to play on.

Ok, these analogies suck!

My input, is this, perhaps the cycle continues, because you refuse to take control. One glaring option to take some control back, is to stop worrying about the boys and what they think of you (you can't control that, no matter how hard you try), and to start worrying about what you think of you (this is definitely within your control). Change that negative to a positive and I have a feeling more accepting and acceptable boys will be ringing your cell more often than not.
(Anonymous)
Jan. 26th, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC)
intense!
totally intense.

love,
jason mulgrew
internet quasi-celebrity
[www.jasonmulgrew.com]
thewicked3000
Jan. 27th, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)
I think there are few points in the post that are larger than the synopsis in your replies/assessment:

1. It's not the fear of boys rejecting/not wanting to date us. It's
the fear that you let down your guard, expose your vulnerable, delicate, raw self and don't know what the person will think of what he sees. Who cares if the guy you just slept with wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, most that we sleep with like that we don't want to want to be in relationships with. But we do care if they like the person that we are. Rejection of that kind is the worst of all. Running before you hear the answer makes complete sense, even if it means you miss a pancake breakfast together.

2. As for the cookies, the guys don't get to bake the cookies or even to choose/influence if we are going to be oatmeal raisin or chocolate chip. We must do it ourselves. We aren't available for the sharing until we are done baking. Cooked 1/2 way just doesn't work. And not everyone has a Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven so it might take some of us longer than others to be ready. The fact that we know if we are still cookie dough is an awareness that can save us the pain (drama?) of being in something that we aren't emotionally ready for.
krisdrum
Jan. 27th, 2005 05:23 am (UTC)
"2. As for the cookies, the guys don't get to bake the cookies or even to choose/influence if we are going to be oatmeal raisin or chocolate chip. We must do it ourselves. We aren't available for the sharing until we are done baking. Cooked 1/2 way just doesn't work. And not everyone has a Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven so it might take some of us longer than others to be ready. The fact that we know if we are still cookie dough is an awareness that can save us the pain (drama?) of being in something that we aren't emotionally ready for."

This is what I was trying to dig down to, but said much more eloquently (as usual) than I can muster. Thanks. I think deciding some possible shapes for the dough that satisfy your needs is an essential step in the process, one that isn't clear to me is being worked on. The self-reflection has always been there. The actions based on the reflections seem to come less easily.
thewicked3000
Jan. 27th, 2005 12:25 pm (UTC)
Hmmm....I wonder if we get to determine if we will be perfectly symmetrical, small/oversized, shaped like a star, etc? I wish we had that much control on our outcome but I'm not sure we do.

"The actions based on the reflections seem to come less easily."
You keep encouraging action. However, I tend to thinkg that all this self observation is supporting the theory that sometimes the reflection can lead you to the realization that no action is the right action (for now).
krisdrum
Jan. 27th, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC)
I very much think we "control our own destiny". Others around us can sway and steer us, but ultimately, the choices we make, are our's alone. We can either take ownership of those decisions and be able to say "this is the path I've chosen, for better or worse" or we can give others the control and say "so, this is how I got here, very interesting". Either way we make a choice.

I believe actions are the only way to solve a problem. Should she deem this a problem (she seems to be), analysis will only take you so far. Once you've analyzed your position, taking steps based on that, is the only way to change habits/cycles or the direction in which you are traveling. Without taking control where you can, you'll inevitably be saying "so how the hell did I get here again?" Why be reactive, when you have the opportunity to be proactive and actively seek the goals you desire. Win, lose, or draw, you can at least say "I went for it".
brainwavy
Jan. 28th, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC)
I think deciding some possible shapes for the dough that satisfy your needs is an essential step in the process, one that isn't clear to me is being worked on. The self-reflection has always been there. The actions based on the reflections seem to come less easily.

good thing I asked for smarm eh? "clear to you"? dear lord K, I nearly popped a gasket over that one. Luckily i know that all of that stems from your desire to see me happy, and so I'll refrain from starting a sparring match. lol, i feel so mature now - stomping my impulse to drag out old issues & tear shit up. Yay for me.

Which brings me though, to my next point: not an awful lot about my life ought to be clear to you. You've been all but gone from it for nearly 4 years now... and while yes, you've been keeping tabs on me by reading this journal - your view of my life should be fuzzy at best.

You have a working history of my neurosis, many of which are still very much in tact, some of which are more newly developed... but there are others that I worked very hard to overcome, and am proud of myself for doing so. In a lot of ways, my life is completely different now than it was when you knew me well. Yes, I'm still at a dead end job that I dislike - but I've come to see that my career (or lack there of) doesn't define me. I've taken this time to explore new interests and re-awaken others... and having done so my perspective on my future, my goals, and who it is I want to become have changed, becoming less clear to me. Of course not having a plan anymore is terrifying, but also exhilarating... letting go of prefabricated milestones I thought I needed to reach I think is a GOOD thing. I may not have a road map at the moment, but at least I don't feel like I'm on somebody else's road anymore. Ha. maybe I've been searching for Lloyd Dobbler so long because i *am* him:

How many of them really know what they want though? I mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? But inside they don't really know so... i don't know, but I know that I don't know.

oh and PS - good to see that there's been no love lost between you & Ellis. ;)
(Anonymous)
Jan. 28th, 2005 11:19 pm (UTC)
all the cookies talk made me hungry. i really don't have anything else to add.
( 10 spankings — spank your inner moppet )