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it's my party and I'll cry if i want to...

ok. so i came across this article while researching a little about Sex in the City and why Candace Bushnell needs to get the hell out of my brain. And it was written by some guy near the series finale and he whines about how Aidan was Carrie's soulmate and how then men she picked were all wrong for her and could never give her what (he thought) she needed and that in general, "stable doesn’t have to mean boring, comfortable doesn’t have to mean regretful, and an emotionally accessible, regular guy can mean that she never needs to cry in her Cosmo again."

...well, what if I WANT to cry in my Cosmo?

I know..here we go again with my constant need to argue with myself. For months now I've been yammering on about my long string of disappointing near-romances. And in particular, bemoaning my selection of "would-have-them-be-suitors" and their unflinching lack of emotional availability. They're exciting, they're passionate, they get under my skin to the point where I start to doubt my own sanity... we exchange witty and flirtatious banter, we make eyes at each other and corner the market on double entendres and sexual innuendo, we make out and **poof** it's gone. Not the "him's" - on the contrary they seem to stick around for good, but the *it* between us gets squashed, hidden, pushed aside like last season's reality stars... well, you get the picture. It gets too intense, too real, too scary, too much like ::gasp:: a relationship and they bail out. And yes, occasionally it is me doing the bailing, but it IS intense and scary, and besides, some of them really are seriously flawed. But regardless of who up and disappears first, more often than not I'm left crying in my proverbial Cosmo... wondering if I'll ever be able to abandon this exhausting quest for love.

But what's the flip side of that? A relationship with Mr. Stable, comfortable, emotionally available regular guy? right. Not only am I not wholly convinced that he exists... but even if he did, what's that all about? I'm not even sure I'd recognize "stable and comfortable" if it stood up and waved at me with blinking neon. The truth is I'm so used to things being complicated and romance being thwarted at every turn, that I'm sure "stable" would seem like a cakewalk to me. I'm just not sure I could trust in the strength or validity of something I didn't have to fight for. It's the fairy tale... a chance at happily ever after is never simply bestowed upon you - it's something that has to be earned. I'm comfortable fighting my battles at the moment, and maybe that does make me immature, maybe it means I AM a drama-addict, and that my nearly bi-polar self can't bear to do without the shrillest highs and lowest lows. Maybe right now the sweet taste of that first rush... the butterflies, the tingles, the "i can't focus on anything but him"s - maybe it's enough for me right now, and while it may not be a sure road to happily ever after I think it's worth a salty drink or two...

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