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He loves me. I know he does. He hasn’t said it yet, but he was damn near it last weekend. He chickened out & instead said, "I’m really falling for you". I suppose I should clarify about whom it is I am speaking. No, not K. Joe. I know I haven’t mentioned him yet – maybe I was trying not to jinx myself or something, I’m not sure why.

There is a wonderful boy (man? he’s 28) out there that loves me. Who sees me as someone worthy of being loved. He’s IN love with me – so it’s even more than that. He sees me as his ideal, as the kind of woman he aspires to be with. This is all quite flattering – and utterly terrifying.

Especially since I fear that beneath my chest there lies only a gaping hole where a heart should be, where a heart once beat. I LIKE Joe. I like him a lot, a terrible lot. He is everything that I really ever asked for in a man. Staying with him, I have the potential of seeing many of my dreams come true.

But I don’t FEEL things for him the way I think I ought to. And I’m not sure if it’s just a lack of passion or if I’m incapable of feeling that way again. I look at him and I see this wonderfully sweet guy who I have a great time with, who makes me laugh, showers me with compliments and affection, who wants to give me my dreams... and I want butterflies. I want butterflies & a sickly knot in my stomach. I want stars in my eyes and the feeling that there is just not enough oxygen in this world for me to breathe right.

I want all this, and I don’t have it. And I used to be able to get that way... but I haven’t for so long. I’ve gotten a little starry-eyed over the internet, true, but not in person, not for real, not since K. And it pains me how much I’ve been thinking about him lately. And I think in part it’s because I desperately miss how desperately in love I was with him. And it’s been almost 5 months now since we’ve spoken and I wonder what will happen inside me the next time we meet... Half of me wants to bubble up with emotion, just to prove to myself that I can still feel something, anything at all. The other half would be devastated to not be over him and longs to be able to look at him with out the slightest twinge... and maybe another part of me still doesn’t want things to really be over with K. Maybe that’s why I can’t feel for Joe... I can’t yet bear to really let go of K.


*Sigh* It’s all possible I suppose. I just hope I figure it out soon...