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when i'm broken down and i can't stand...

Today was so hard... this whole weekend was hard. So much pain, so much grieving, so much stress... I hate funerals. I hate them & this was probably the largest one I've ever been to - maybe the most difficult.

And I felt so lost there today. So tiny & so misplaced - like I wasn't supposed to be there, like I didn't fit in right. And then I realized why. I wasn't with K. And it's not like he normally did funerals with me, in fact, he never did... this was different though. Maybe it was the group I had to deal with, or that presenting our grief as a unit seems so much easier...

I don't know why, I just know that I missed him today in a way that I never knew I could miss him. I just could feel that with him at my side I would have felt stronger, safer, more relaxed. He would have understood the pain mixed in with my grief, known why I felt awkward - and just in having someone else comprehend that, I would have felt it less...

To cry on his shoulder, in his arms, would have meant the world to me today... *sigh* When will someone else make me feel that way? Sometimes I fear I'll never really have that again - and that terrifies me. But I think that for today's circumstances... it would always have been him that I craved. No one else, even the most perfect partner, if he was from outside of our small group, could have given me what I needed today.