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I only feel the steel of the red hot truth

I hate being curious.

I hate finding out things I don't want to hear.

I hate being jealous.

I hate how I found this place.

I can read her diary,

I can see into her head,

I can see into her life.

And they're sleeping together.

I can't even get myself to kiss anyone else and he's already back to banging HER!

I feel evil for spying.

I feel evil for being able to see how crushed she is that it's only sex. That should make me feel better right? That it's just sex? That they're not madly in love or that there are no stronger emotions at work?

It's not comforting, so I don't know why I'm drawn to keep looking. It's like watching my life train-wreck in slow motion. I can't look away.

Maybe I seek the pain, my life has been so devoid of true emotion lately - I seek anything that will make me feel.

But maybe this prolongs everything. I thought to myself last night that I finally felt ok. Happy even. I finally felt that I could stand and be happy on my own, that I didn't need him, didn't want him in my life anymore.

And where am I now? back to feeling nauseous because I can picture the two of their bodies mingling? This is not good.

And fuck her for being miserable. At least she gets to be a part of his life, at least he didn't surgically remove her. So, she's upset that she's not his girlfriend, that he's "not ready"? Of course he's not ready - he just ended a 5 year relationship 2 months ago! You KNOW this - why the fuck would you get involved to begin with?

Oh, and don't even get me started on him. I'm glad to see that he's really "focusing on himself" making those great leaps and bounds of self-discovery that he just couldn't be with someone to make.

fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck.

She could see this I guess, I don't care. It's not like I picked a lock on her diary, it's an open web page, and it came up just by searching her. It wasn't even HARD!

I can't even breath anymore.

I need to get away from this.

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