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these mishaps you bubble wrap...

i'm having a very garden state kind of night... i can't stop listening to frou frou's let go and postal service's such great heights. in all of the commotion surrounding my screening of the film, i don't think i gave the film apt attention. plainly said, i felt it. the whole emotional tone was one i could identify with all too well... there is a constant struggle with life, trying to strike the balance between numb and emotionally manageable. it's been at least 4 years since i took myself off the anti-depressants i was on. lets just say that it didn't go for me quite as well as it it did for Largeman - or maybe it did, i mean everything worked out in the end, and i can't even begin to explain how exhilarating it was to rip away that safety net... but it just struck a chord with me. the drugs brought me back from a very dark place, but i wasn't me while i was on them... everything was so clean, so lukewarm. i felt suffocated, as if someone took away my ability to feel anything at all. i didn't cry, i couldn't cry, i couldn't scrounge up enough affect to even BE sad. conversely, nothing made me happy... as much as i knew i was in love, i couldn't recognize it anymore - everything was so safe, so passionless... it was the most frustrating feeling, as if i were trapped inside my skin - and when i let go, it really was beautiful. of course these days i find other ways to numb myself, but my numb spells have been fewer, farther between, and almost always voluntary. i don't know, with very few exceptions i think it's better to feel too much than no to be able to feel anything at all.

this post didn't end up at all where i thought it would... well, i suppose it was something i needed to get out of my head, no? i'll have to share my original thoughts on my great prowess at "becoming the friend" another time. the ipod & i both need to recharge.