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Life as the Make Out Queen...

So… as I approach the 6 month mark in my self-imposed celibacy, I am forced to once again ponder, "Why am I not having sex?"

For a while I was able to blame it on the operation, but that time is long gone & I'm still making up excuses to jet once the making out turns into a invitation to change venues (read: his place). So, am I really that paranoid about becoming emotionally involved with someone? Methinks I might be… which kinda sucks.

I mean, can I no longer separate sex & emotion? And was that really such a good skill to have in the first place... Am I waiting for something more here? Or am I afraid of the more? And what exactly changed? Are sex & love really at ALL connected in my life anymore?

Okay enough with my own third degree… But seriously, if I think about it, when was the last time I had sex *with* love? Where I knew we were both in love with each other? We're cruising in the way back machine all the way to… maybe early '01? I mean I'm not going to count the months of "I know you're going to leave me sex" … you know the kind you end up crying in the bathroom after? So, somewhere in early '01 is pretty accurate – and so then what? 2.5 years & 5 partners later I really shouldn't have a problem with the separation in my mind – but it looks like I do. Maybe it's that I don't want to be left with "feelings" anymore. One-night stands are harmless enough, that's prolly why the vaca-sex tends to work… on the sweeter side, but so deliciously temporary. It's there & gone and normally geographically impossible enough to even entertain the idea of becoming involved. [Sidebar: when there are no geographical boundaries, this can get sticky... beware] Fuck-buddies don't seem to fare as well… somebody usually ends up getting attached, and then it's just awkward. Plus I always end up feeling like the evil bitch of all time, screwing with some poor sap's head… it's just not a good thing for me. Then what's left? Guys that I actually like, who maybe like me & we date or what have you, sleep together for a little while & *poof* he's gone & I feel like a schmuck. See – feelings. Not down with the having of them.

So basically, I should just vacation more. *sigh*

or possibly just shut my brain up, grab a couple condoms & just go. "Just say YES" as it were & not worry about the emotional side of things. Not worry about decimating new friendships or hurting feelings.

And furthermore… I think that keeping my own emotional guard up is fine, as in, "not a shitty way to live". I mean I've been so worried about being a "wall" or a "shell" or any other ridiculous metaphor, but when it comes down to it – if someone wants in badly enough, they'll get there. And if they aren't willing to dig a little to get to me – they're not worth my time.

So there.

I think I've decided nothing. But at least I've thought it over some more. We'll see what happens… bring on the boys!! lol!

oooh... was flipping through Marci's journal & found a name analysis site. And it is DEAD on.

Your first name of Jocelyn has given you a quick-minded, sensitive nature. It gives you a creative ability in art, music, singing, or fancywork and an appreciation for refined surroundings. Your sociable nature expresses affection, kindness, and thoughtfulness to the extent that it is difficult for you not to be affected by others and governed by your emotions, rather than by logic and reason. As you respond to love and encouragement from others, your romantic and dreamy nature can easily lead you into love affairs. Your desire for peace at any price can result in going out of your way to avoid arguments and confrontation or hurting the feelings of others. Also, budgeting can be a problem as you enjoy spending money and can easily ignore being practical.