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i just want a lover like any other...

I slept for 12 hours last night & it was glorious.

so many things to talk about, but I'm not really interested in detailing the last 4 days quite yet. Instead, I'm going to get to the ponderances that have been a part of them or inspired by them, etc, etc...

A. There have been a number of "almost kissings" lately. This rash of occurrences has led me to do a little soul-searching / analysis... why are these almost kisses only almost kisses? why am I not pushing past the invisible "almost" line? why are these boys trying to kiss me after months of not trying to kiss me? why is the sky blue? how do sum of the square roots of the sides equal the square root of the hypotenuse?
So, perhaps there hasn't been a rash of these occurrences - but there have been two separate and distinct experiences inside of the last two weeks - one of which was this weekend. Both are guys I've know for months, one whom I've been crushing on forever & never thought he'd give me the time of day, the other someone I've resisted crushing on until recently - also whom I'd never thought would give me the time of day. The crush was visibly drunk, and well, we know that I tend to attract drunken boys like it was my job, so that could explain that. But what it doesn't explain is my reaction to it... In general when I have a crush on a boy & he gets hammered & leans in to kiss me - I'm all about kissing him. Drunk or not. And I've illustrated this point many times over... so why not this time? This boy? I think partially it was a timing issue - there was another boy involved in the evening, and I didn't want to blow that to smithereens... but I think also there was a little sober pride involved. Knowing a little of his history and not wanting to be just another girl in a long line of drunken hook-ups, as lord knows, I've managed to be "that girl" already for too many others. The other was a different story altogether... I was worried I was wrong & that maybe he wasn't almost kissing me, I was worried about what would happen if we did actually kiss - how it would screw things up, how much more drama it would create, how i don't think my kissing him could ever ever be just a kiss.

but before you all go and say that I've lost my nerve over the course of the boy ban - lets remember shall we that there WAS kissing involved this weekend, and that we're very sorry that we're being a bad girl and talking about said kissing when we promised not to, but at least we're keeping it anonymous, no? Also, we probably shouldn't have been kissing anyone at all considering that we were still plague-ridden at the time & will feel TERRIBLY sorry if he happens to contract our illness.

now. speaking of the boy ban & of kissing boys...

2) the debacle that was MotherFucker. We would like to thank Nora for bringing us a special boy-shaped present. Yay Nora. We would further like to encourage the rest of the world to only give boys as gifts from now on. Seriously, nothing says "congratulations on a successful boy ban" like an adorably tall & gangly boy with a straight-outta-London accent. ::sigh:: So. Needless to say, the boy ban is now officially, OFFICIALLY over. And really, I'm not sure I could have arranged for a better ending to it. I think sometimes the best way to erase a more meaningful encounter from your head is to have a completely debaucherous one. No passion, no tenderness, just straight up id-driven experience. It's helpful, because it reminds you that sex can be just sex. how is that helpful Jocelyn? I'm glad you asked... it's helpful because from time to time I tend to get hung up on sex and the idea that having that experience with someone means something - when, more often than not, it tends to mean a whole lot of nothing to other parties involved... just you know, a good time for the sake of a good time. So, going into something with the notion that it's just sex and not having expectations or feelings attached is kind of refreshing, grounding somehow. And it also makes me realize that this is not where I really want to be. I want messy. I want raw-emotion, soul-baring, toe-curling, drama-inducing, absolutely necessary in the moment sex. But I don't mind settling for cheap & tawdry every now and then until I get there ;o)











Comments

( 1 spanking — spank your inner moppet )
(Anonymous)
Jun. 2nd, 2004 12:25 pm (UTC)
yay! i am so happy that it all worked out for you! the british are the best thing EVER. i'm totally convinced of that.
( 1 spanking — spank your inner moppet )