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the last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war

I honestly will get to real updating & detailed accounts of Wednesday & Monday nights, but probably not until tomorrow as I feel a sudden need to confess the following:
I stole this link from Laura. It's all about the time-honored break up tradition of destroying / trashing letters & pictures & mementos from the relationship once it's over... and how that has been modified for the computer age - "just delete it" if you will. And I quickly came to the conclusion that I am not that girl. And really? I never have been. I've seen people burn pictures, stab teddy bears, smash cd's against the wall - and while I fully understand the impulse? I've never been able to bring myself to destroy any reminder of a relationship.

There was, in particular, one time when I was most bitterly tempted to chuck something... it was a ring. A thumb ring that had given to me, and that had recently begun to irritate my thumb - but I wore it anyways, never took it off, because it was a symbol. Well, when the relationship ended I was devastated, and one of the first things I did was take off the ring. I held onto it for a long while, but when I reached a point where I finally decided I needed some closure, I thought to myself that the ring should be it. And so I drove out to the ocean, ring in hand, ready to hurl it out into the water - start over - but I just couldn't do it. Some part of me kept saying I'd regret not having it later on, and that part was too loud to ignore. So I kept it. And 6 months later we were back together again - but that's an entirely different story. But the amusing thing, is that somewhere along those 6 months, I lost the ring. No idea what happened to it, just went to look for it one day & it was gone - so it really didn't matter that I'd denied myself the bittersweet pleasure of sending it to a watery grave after all. But you know what? I still wish I had that ring. And even now I'm glad that I wasn't actively responsible for it's loss. It meant a lot to me and I still remember exactly how the inside of it felt. In later years the boy bought me other rings, and I have them still, in boxes, in drawers, but in a heartbeat, I'd trade them all for that first silver band.

You could say I'm a bit of a pack-rat - I save it all, constantly trying to amass every possible reminder of every possible moment. This is why I currently have 4 journals, why I've obsessively chronicled my love-life (or lack there of) since I was 13, why I have shoeboxes full of letters and ticket stubs, why there are a dozen or so disks in my desk stuffed to the gills with emails and im transcripts. I honestly don't know what I save it all for - I used to say they were notes for my grand novel, but I think it's possible that I just have a hard time letting go of things. It might border on a sickness... I have shit I KNOW I shouldn't have by now, but I still do. I think once I was making a point about mementos & took a packet of sugar from the table where I was sitting with my boyfriend, and said it would remind me how sweet he'd been, and put it in my wallet. I'm fairly sure that was a good 8 years ago. I still HAVE the sugar packet. Go ahead, stop me & ask me to see it. It's still there. But really, it's more of a good luck charm now. When I come across it, I smile & wonder how much longer the little paper packet will hold up, and yes, it might make me think about him and about us, but it's a fleeting nostalgic thought - a thought of the innocence of youth.

I think that's why I save as much as I do. I like to have the constant reminders available to me... the good, the bad, the ugly - I like to go back & re-live the emotions. I think sometimes it keeps me sane when I'm in those numb spots where I can't feel anything. What can I say? I'm a sentimental fool who loves to o.d. on nostalgia, and is a sucker for anyone else who can call up romantic memories at will.


and a personalized post-script...

K,
Yes much of the preceding refers to you. Yes, I'm on yet another nostalgia trip at the moment. But trust me when I say it was generated by more recent events, more recent emotions – what can I say? You just make the best of examples ;) Anyhow, I really would love to hear your take on more current events. (if you're up to sharing) I miss your input – and your insights, as infuriatingly accurate as they can be.
always,
-J