?

Log in

No account? Create an account

back thattaway | next thisaway

Long Winter's Nap?

Soooooo sleepy! Good God! When I think about it, there wasn’t a night in this entire mess of a weekend that I went to bed before 2… maybe Tuesday night, which kind of counted for me I guess – but that was b/c I was exhausted from driving… Anyhow I digress. I was on the verge of berating people for not updating over the Holiday weekend when, low and behold, I noticed that I hadn’t either.

So yes, the Holidays are upon us and I stand – deer caught in the headlights- unable to shop for no particular reason. Well, that isn’t entirely true… there are reasons I suppose. For one, I’m still trying to figure out some sort of budget, as I haven’t fully straightened out the whole car-insurance-financial situation. And then there’s the idea that I’ve been so wrapped up in my own incredibly crazy swirl of emotions that I really am out of touch with what I should get for anyone else. Plus, this is my season – I usually pride myself on picking out thoughtful, meaningful gifts for people… and I’m just not there yet – not in touch whatsoever with anybody, or what’s out there for the having, or anything. The two people whose gifts have been in mind for months now are off my radar screen entirely these days – and so I’m back to square one. Staring at the Mall in a kind of panic I haven’t felt in years.

Now on Bob’s board there was some thread about sexuality among countries and the US lagging behind the Europeans in the frequency with which we have sex… Bob & Charles ever ready to up those numbers each had their spiel & for once in my life I found myself agreeing with Sarah (as disturbing as that was on any number of fronts) who noted that having good sex once a month was preferable to having ho-hum sex everyday. And that’s basically how I’ve felt for sometime now – well, at least when my libido was remotely functional. I have no interest in sex at the moment. How sad is that? My ex-fuckbuddy has been popping up lately, and I just kinda shrug him off – I’m turning down perfectly great sex for no real reason. I mean – there was a time when I was absolutely ravenous, and now – it’s nothing. And I mean seriously gone – as in, any of my Silver Screen crushes could descend from LA, sweep me up in their arms and drag me off to a “W” and I’d still just smile and ask for a rain check. I guess I’m just back to that “what’s the point” place I was last spring/summer post-Kris; where physical intimacy minus serious emotion just leaves me cold. I suppose that’s not a bad place to be, but it’s just a little shocking. But you know I don’t even know if it’s just that. Even with Joe I was shocked at how often I just wasn’t in the mood. And it wasn’t like the sex was lacking at all… it just seemed to take so much to put me in a romantic frame of mind. And it seems to me that this has all been a (somewhat) recent development. I mean, really? If I look back over my sexual history – when have I really turned down sex? And usually, I’m the initiator, so what gives? *sigh* I guess I just haven’t been truly, deeply, in love for a long time and that’s what been hanging me up? I hope so. But then again, if that is the case, god knows how long it will be until I fall for someone new… and that could mean a seriously long dry spell. Well, I suppose if I’m going to be without for a while it’s a pretty good thing that I’m not craving it ;)