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Landslide

What I wanted to say here today was very clear in my mind in those lucid moments last night before I drifted off to sleep… So, bear with me as I digress & try to re-create.

One of the things that I wanted to say is that I rarely dream about people I know… my dreams are usually abstract & very surreal, starring myself & usually very non-descript, random people, or people who I haven’t seen or though about in ages. I can probably still count on my hands the number of times that I’ve dreamt of friends or family. Now having said that… over the last three weeks I have dreamt of her about 5 times – that’s just about every dream I can remember since all this went down & it’s really starting to geek me out. In every dream it is the two of us meeting again for the first time since that Monday, and in every dream we are about to talk about the situation when something happens to prevent our discussion. It’s pretty obvious that the dreams are about my anxiety about seeing her again, and that our conversations get curtailed because my brain doesn’t know a) what she would say or 2) how I’ll respond.

Which brings me to point 2 (if you consider the rambling above point 1) My response to all of this. I guess I generally have two options; I can forgive or I can hold on to this. Now, it is easy (at least for me) to forgive someone who asks forgiveness of me, and that is something I would willingly do. It is quite something else to forgive in your heart someone who shows no remorse… it’s that grey area that I can never quite figure out. When exactly does an act like that take on a benevolent tone, and when is it akin to being a doormat? I have often said that I am not strong enough to keep a grudge against anyone, even when it was deserving. However, after sweeping enough hurt feelings under the rug – I’m starting to wonder how strong a person I am if I am willing to let people take from me all that they want, really – what ends up left? But I have argued the other way too… what good does holding on to hurt and anger do you? It only serves to erode your “self” from the inside. Hating doesn’t usually hurt anyone but you. Strength truly lies in one’s ability to forgive, etc…

Well I guess there are countless intellectual arguments both for and against, but I suppose they don’t mean a lot next to how I feel… if I think I’m capable of forgiveness here or not. Part of me wants everything to go back… which short of a time machine, is not possible. And the road ahead is littered with the rubble from the upheaval, no matter which path I take the road will be difficult. And it’s really a blind choice… I weigh the awkwardness & the constant re-opening of a wound against a friendship that I can no longer judge the value of… If I were able to weigh the pain against the friendship that I knew… I think my decision would be much lighter. But I can’t see far enough ahead to tell what shape this relationship has taken… even if it’s something better off than I imagine it to be, it will still take so much work to make it viable again – and that’s not saying it could ever even be what it once was… what I so much want it to be again. Is it worth it, worth suffering through pain and humiliation to struggle with a relationship that has fallen? I still don’t know. And I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to take on all that yet, there’s just so much there – it’s a little overwhelming. At the same time I feel like I might burst if all of this doesn’t either blow over completely or come to a head soon…